"C" word... Dungeon strat

Meet with the doctor to go over the plan of action to take down this boss named cancer. According to
the CT scan it seems to have only spawned in a very small area of my breast. So thankfully we are going use the lumpectomy strat.

According to Dr. Green, and his small team of five, he will put me under and proceed to remove the cancer. Then inject a blue dye that will help to see if any of the limp-nodes could have gotten infected. Kind of like what the CT scan did, but more. He will then be removing anywhere from one to four possible nodes in order to test them. Hopefully they will all come back cancer free and the battle on my tatas will be over. However... if they any one of them come back to be infected then they too will be removed.

Providing the dungeon area is cleared & everything is removed, I should then only have to do radiation treatment. This is to keep any from coming back & re-infecting me again.

My doctor is very optimistic & feels that everything should turn out great. I love the fact that he's very confident in knowing that we can go with a lumpectomy & radiation. Talking with people, I had heard so many stories of doctors just wanting to remove everything. To be honest I'm just a bit too vain to loose my breast. So to say the least, I was very happy that he was feeling good about just doing that lumpectomy. Mind you, I would be lying if I didn't say I was scarred to death, but I'm working really hard to keep my faith that in God's hands everything will be fine.

Once again I would like to thank all my friends who have reached out to. Your calls & messages have meant the world to me. Thank you to my family and sons. My youngest came up to see me & for the fist time in about 3 years I had all three of my boys under one roof. Special thanks to my Mom who drove 2.5 hours one way, just to sit with me to get the news on my surgery. Plus she will be here again this Wednesday to be with till I'm up and well again. God couldn't have given me a better Mom then the one I have <3 And of course, my handsome boyfriend Michael. Even with the crazy hours he has at work, he always found the time to support me. He's always there when I need him and he is the rock that I hold onto when I feel I'm about to fall.

Hope everyone has a blessed week and I will be back more updates. 

House repairs, Decorating and Skunks

What to say... I've completely moved into my new house. I wont lie, it's a big work in progress. If I can give any kind of advice, get the home warranty. On that note my AC has gone out. I've had the guys out and it's about 340.00 to replace the blower motor. Thanks to the home warranty, I'm paying 75.00.

I've gotten the paperwork signed and ready to start putting up my new fencing for the yard. It will be a great place for my son's & my dog to play. Plus when my family comes up, there kids will have a safe place too.After all, it's people that truly make a house a home. I look forward to finally having a place where my friends & family can come and relax.

Also on the to-do list is my windows getting replaces. I finally got a quote that I can work with, and they are starting the paperwork on it this morning. That should be a huge cut in electric, not mention raising the value of the home. So as it stands, all 3 majors projects are getting taken care of. It feels so good to watch your dreams come true and blossom right in front of you.

Now working patching up the walls and getting them ready to be painted. Not sure what the last contractors where thinking, but there are so many visual problems. Cracks in the walls, places where the ceiling was not tacked up right and so places completely missing paint. This week I've started patching up holes and cracks on the walls that do not have windows. No point on the window walls, they will be getting replaced soon enough. Feels good, getting my hands into the work and showing some love to this old house. I can't wait to see how it all works out.

     Mushy Boyfriend Note <3 <3 <3    

A few weeks ago and small family of skunks moved into his yard. Sadly the mommy had gotten hit by a car. However the little ones (3 of them) are old enough to find food in the yard. Ideally having skunks around the house is not optimal. You never know, if you scare or walk up on them. That is not a smell you want to experience. If you know anything about me, it's that I do love animals...even the stinky ones. So I've been loving seeing the little ones (from a distance) walking about and doing there thing.

Last night one of the neighbors came over with a 22 rifle. Wanted to know if he can kill the babies on his property. I knew that he didn't want them there, I know that there's a chance of running into them and scaring them. As I stood there with tears welling in my eyes he told him that he can't kill them on his property. Still worried that they may be killed, my boyfriend agreed to let me feed them in hope that they will not wonder off the property.

As much as he does not want them on his property, he loves me enough to stand for me and help me with my love of animals. He has truly shown me how much he cares and respects my opinion and my feelings. I now know that he is the only man that I could ever love and spend the rest of my life with.

New in the future of big changes for me.

Driving a crossfire <woot>

Well, it's been a bit over a year since I've made the big jump to be on my own. So much has happened and so many changes in my life and how I feel about things.

When I first moved here, I was afraid that my life and my dreams where just going to disappear. That the important people that I loved would one day just walk away out of my life. I had to life with so many regrets and so many ups and downs from moving. I've had to make new friends and find new interest for my life. The only thing that I was sure of was that I knew I had to develop more as an individual.

Mommy visiting

Since in the time of a year, I've had my heart broken, lost some friends and lost a job that I enjoyed doing. I also have made new friends, got my heart mended, and found a better job that is more rewarding in funds and quality of management. During my times here, I've had one son stay with my for a few weeks, another come visit me, and one that needed a place to stay and still has not to leave yet. LOL I've had family come visit, sometimes for a day and sometimes for a few days. I've started taking up shag dancing, going to wine tastings, and trying to get back into painting again.

I've met an awesome man who never leaves me feeling lost or confused. He encourages me to be strong and independent, but he also never leaves me feeling lacking or unappreciated. He has shown me that I can count on him, but I don't need to. He's shown me that I can make myself happy and in turn I am a happier person to be with. I'm not dependent on being with him, but he is an extension of my happiness that I am so very glad to have in my life.

Now, after a year I've done some pretty hard looking at what I wanted in my life and what I didn't
want. I knew that I've always craved to make sure that I've had a permit fix on my life. For the longest time, I thought that meant that I had to be married in order to feel confident with my future. I've began to realized that wasn't the case at all. In fact it's completely the wrong reason to get married. I still need that feeling of having confidence in my future. So I'm thinking that it was time to make my own step to a permanent future.

New House <bites nails>

I've just made an offer on a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house in a quite little town. It's about the half way point between where I am now and where my awesome boyfriend is living. Which is also where my shag club meets for dancing LOL. The house is pretty dated and really needs a lot of upgrades in the looks department. I'm really hoping that this is what God has planed for me. The structure of the home is very sound and the roof looks to be in very good condition. I'm extremely exited of my new venture in my future. It's the first real step that I've taken in walking away from my past and stepping into the light of a new life. A life that is about me growing a person and as an independent.

There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

I have an addiction

I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I'm not hooked on prescription medication and outside of lotto tickets, I'm not addicted to gambling. 

I have what some call codependency. 

Lets review some of the things that make people Codependent here now: Codependency affects people in a variety of ways. Common characteristics of Codependents include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
• Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
• Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
• Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
• Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
• Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration 

 Taken from interventiontreatmentrecovery.org

It makes it very difficult to move on and away from toxic people. Many times it can bring about depression, and anxiety. I feel sad when I can't be with the people I care about most. There are times that I can't breath when I can't get hold of someone. Even after a wonderful weekend with a loved one, I can get anxious or extremely sad of the thought of going home. Forget the thought of not talking to, seeing or being in contact with someone one from the past hurts more then the fight or break up. I have always aloud people to walk on me, use me, accepted there rudeness in life. This was all in the fear that I would rather be miserable, then to be with out people who where just not good to have in my life. I still have a problem getting all my feelings out in the open. Scared of rejection, persecution or worst someone walking out of my life again.

With counseling, medication, good friends and family, I've been able to work more independently with out needing someones attention 24/7. I've taken up painting, refurbished furniture, learning how to shag dance and now taking an interest in blogging. I have gotten into the practice of hanging out with other people. Working on spending time with other people, unusually turns out that I enjoy myself very much once my anxiety calms down.

Even though my first instinct is to only be with my boyfriend. That was a past mistake that I had made more then once in my life. Finally learned that no one can make me happy, but me. When I'm in control of my feelings, then I become a more valued person to be around. Not cause they feel the need to help me, but because I'm truly an awesome person to hang out with.

Trust

What is there to say about it that hasn't been said before. It's such a fragile thing and so easy to shred. When built up it can enrich lives and strengthen relationships. When taken away it can destroy a life, and respect that people have. Not just for the person that they lost the trust in, but in just about everyday life. Once it's gone, there could be a life time trying to earn it back.


There have been times that I was not a trust worthy person. I have lied and I have been less then a friend to the people I cared about. Maybe that is why that I had felt that when the person that I trusted most broke my trust in them. Or maybe it was the thought that since I was so untrusted, that I didn't deserve a trusting friend. So my paranoia and suspicions pushed them away, & caused them to break my heart.

I have lost friends, loved ones, people who I thought I had forever. People who could no longer be there because I at that time was not a good friend to them. Love should not be unconditional, and it isn't. Our friends and loved ones are not our puppies, who will forgive us no matter what. We should always know that what we have is fragile and should never be taken for granite. As fast as we can lie to someone, that someone can walk out that door.

Today in my current life, I'm blessed with friends, family, and an awesome boyfriend, who is probably the most honest person that I have ever met. Even when he tells me something that I may not like, I trust that he will always be open with me. This didn't happen right away, but with help and time, I am learning to trust in people again. I have given him my heart and I am trusting that he will take very special care of it.

Do I miss my old friends, and loved ones? Of course I do. My mom said that when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them. Whether it's past relations, lost family, or that best friend from school. You learn to live life with out them, but you will always miss them. I hope that in my future endeavors I've learned from my past. Hope that I can be a better friend, a better daughter, mother, and Aunt to all that I love. Striving one day, that someone will want to call me his wife. With that I of course hope to be a better wife to this person.

They say that perfection in unrealistic. I would like to think that "trying" for it isn't