The "C" word

A couple weeks ago was a normal series of physicals. Doctor appointments, mammograms, & of course the yearly girly check up. For the most part everything was perfect, I'm in better shape then most women 1/2 my age. However there was a some anomalies with my mammogram.

As they sat and explained that I would need a biopsy and that 85% of time it turns out to be nothing more then fatty tissue. I needed the biopsy only because this was my first mammogram, & they needed to document anything unusual. This way next year they know not to worry unless anything changes.

So... last week I went in for my big day. As nervous I was, I still had all the love and support from my family & of course my awesome boyfriend, who took the whole day off just to be with me. The nurses & doctors where awesome and they expanded everything that was going to happen. The doctor preforming the procedure even took the time to pray & put my mine at ease.

Everything went very smoothly. I couldn't have asked for a better team. I was relaxed & for the most part didn't feel a thing. It all was done and over with before I even realized it was even happening. After it was over, they explained that my primary doctor would have the results by the up coming Wednesday. Then I left with my new tiny pillow & three very pretty roses, and had a relaxing day with Michael watching TV & hanging out with him. Over all a great day. Did I mention that he got me the cutest stuff kitty too.

Then the call came early, just this past Monday (not Wednesday). My doctor called and asked me to come in. I asked why & she informed me that it was indeed cancer. My minded is shocked... the dreaded "C" word.  I had just finished working out, so I got dressed and heading in for the fateful meeting with her. She explained that this is a very common form, but still had to get me an appointment with a surgeon ASAP. In just a matter of weeks, I've gone from just a routine of years check-up to OMG - I need a surgeon, collecting doctor's notes for work, talking about possible medical disability.  I NOW have a life threatening object in my body. My mind is in circles & racing out of control. My whole life I've always been for the most part in charge of my destiny, but now I'm not.

Today is going to be appointment with my surgeon. This is the day we will know our options and the course that we will take in order to get over this. I really do know that I'm in God's hands and that he is the one in control. I would be lying if I didn't say that every nerve in my body feels like still exploding with emotion, but I am for the most part trying to stay calm. I also still have the support and love of my family & of Michael. I couldn't ask for a better support team. I will post updates as I get them & as soon as I can.

Birthdays - I am so very blessed

 This week was my birthday, and last week was my Mom's birthday. Like we try to do every year we spent the week between our birthdays together.We pretty much chilled at her home and did some thrift store shopping. Just spending time with her has always been a great joy in my life. I see way too many people not appreciate the ability of time with family. I never want to be one of those people that say "I wish I had, or I wish I said". My mom has always been a huge part of my life and I always want her to know how much I love and appreciate her everyday. <steps of soap box>

Any-who, we had an awesome dinner and of course some cake and ice cream. She loved the shirts and Tervis cup that I had gotten her. She had gotten me a Keurig Coffee maker. It's red, my favorite kitchen color and my son had gotten me a Keurig Cup with filters. I really love it and have already picked up the craft that can go with it.

I was so lucky to have the day off from my birthday. I did such constructive things around the house like binge watch Once Upon A Time. Cried on about every episode. Why is a show about fairy tails have so many sad ends all the time LOL. Played with my new kitten and hung out with the dogs. Yep I was so busy getting very important things done lol. Facebook... lets not forget Facebook ~.^


My awesome boyfriend, who had to work that day, messaged me and let me pick dinner for that night. I've always loved eating outside, when it's nice out of course, so I picked Friday Friends. However we ended up a Judges Restaurant. He just knows how I love to try new places, so he suggested somewhere I haven't eaten. He came over bearing gifts and to pick me up for dinner. Not just some random gift that he felt he needed to by, but thoughtful gifts. He knows how much I love copper for my kitchen and the inscription on my new coffee cup was perfect. Inside my card said "Have the kind of birthday that embarrasses your kids." He was tells me that he was trying to find a tree frog bag to hold my stuff, but couldn't. He remembers that I love tree frogs. After so many years of feeling so unimportant, it is so over whelming to feel like I was the most important person that night. To have someone think so highly of you to make sure your birthday was the best day ever. I don't think he even realized how much his thoughtfulness made this the best birthday that I have ever had. Also, he had them sing to me at the restaurant, I've never had waitresses sign for me before, it was awesome.

My Birthday, My Life, My future

This month I'm turning 49. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say your age. I've never feared getting older. I think my biggest fear was just getting older without someone by my side. I've never cared for the feeling of not knowing if I was on the right path, or with the right person. Always thinking that if I wasn't married that my life for some reason is incomplete.

In just a little over a year, there has been so many changes happening. I walked away from a life that I thought I wanted and found out that the life I wanted was two states away. The main reason for moving back to NC was to find out who I was, and where I needed to be. As much as I loved the person that I was with, I didn't like the person I was with him. So as much as it hurt to leave I left in order to find a better me. As it turns out we both are better people for it and now we are probably better friends then we ever where. Our experiences have shown each other of who we are and I am thankful that our friendship getting better as time moves on.

Since my move, I've joined a shag dance club, took up wine tasting, and started doing more thing that made me happy. I set goals for my life in gaming, relationships, and family. I've cut down on gaming and started focusing on making friends. I've met someone awesome that I share common interest and corks with. At the same time we respect each others differences too. Plus I'm working on spending more time with family, now that I'm closer to them. I'm learning that being satisfied in myself is what I was lacking in my old life. I had the illusion that it was up to someone else to make me happy. Lets not forget the fact that I've bought myself a new home. I've found that I get great happiness from working on making this house into the home that I've always wanted.


Looking back at my life I know that the path I needed to take to find my boyfriend was a necessary one. All my past experiences have shown me how lucky I am to have him in my life. I thank God everyday for finding someone who thinks bow ties are cool too. He cares for his family, works on cars, and saves turtles from the side of the road. What more can someone want from a love. Plus he knows how much mike to put in my cereal and how to make my coffee <3

As I'm getting older, I still have a wanting to grow old with someone. However it's gone from "OMG - I need to have this now" to "I look forward to when the time is right to be with my forever love". Knowing that no matter what happens in the future everything will happen for the best. That right there folks has got the be the most peaceful feeling that I've ever had.

House repairs, Decorating and Skunks

What to say... I've completely moved into my new house. I wont lie, it's a big work in progress. If I can give any kind of advice, get the home warranty. On that note my AC has gone out. I've had the guys out and it's about 340.00 to replace the blower motor. Thanks to the home warranty, I'm paying 75.00.

I've gotten the paperwork signed and ready to start putting up my new fencing for the yard. It will be a great place for my son's & my dog to play. Plus when my family comes up, there kids will have a safe place too.After all, it's people that truly make a house a home. I look forward to finally having a place where my friends & family can come and relax.

Also on the to-do list is my windows getting replaces. I finally got a quote that I can work with, and they are starting the paperwork on it this morning. That should be a huge cut in electric, not mention raising the value of the home. So as it stands, all 3 majors projects are getting taken care of. It feels so good to watch your dreams come true and blossom right in front of you.

Now working patching up the walls and getting them ready to be painted. Not sure what the last contractors where thinking, but there are so many visual problems. Cracks in the walls, places where the ceiling was not tacked up right and so places completely missing paint. This week I've started patching up holes and cracks on the walls that do not have windows. No point on the window walls, they will be getting replaced soon enough. Feels good, getting my hands into the work and showing some love to this old house. I can't wait to see how it all works out.

     Mushy Boyfriend Note <3 <3 <3    

A few weeks ago and small family of skunks moved into his yard. Sadly the mommy had gotten hit by a car. However the little ones (3 of them) are old enough to find food in the yard. Ideally having skunks around the house is not optimal. You never know, if you scare or walk up on them. That is not a smell you want to experience. If you know anything about me, it's that I do love animals...even the stinky ones. So I've been loving seeing the little ones (from a distance) walking about and doing there thing.

Last night one of the neighbors came over with a 22 rifle. Wanted to know if he can kill the babies on his property. I knew that he didn't want them there, I know that there's a chance of running into them and scaring them. As I stood there with tears welling in my eyes he told him that he can't kill them on his property. Still worried that they may be killed, my boyfriend agreed to let me feed them in hope that they will not wonder off the property.

As much as he does not want them on his property, he loves me enough to stand for me and help me with my love of animals. He has truly shown me how much he cares and respects my opinion and my feelings. I now know that he is the only man that I could ever love and spend the rest of my life with.

A New Home

Jess and me Easter 2016

Life has been so crazy for me. One minute everything is falling apart and the next, everything is falling into place.

As some may know, my niece was in a horrific car accent. By the grace of God the kids when never hurt. She has it rough, but at the moment she seems for be fine. However earlier this week there is talk of brain surgery that she may need. Her head aches are not getting better and she is still in a lot of pain. Our family and friends are awesome. Everyone has stepped up and helped. Weather is was watching the kids, or donating money for her lost glasses and medical bills. I have truly been blessed to see Gods work in her protection and in the hearts that hold her dear.

Michell at the carnival 2016

My niece's daughter came into town with my mom, and we spent time at the carnival. So much fun watching the people and her having a grand time. All the lights and excitement. It was very awesome to spend time with her as well as my mother. I had to work most of the time, but even the small amount that I got with them was worth it.

For months now, I've had to drive my son to work and most of the time, drive him back home. Finally last week, we saved up enough to get him his own transportation. Picked him up a 87 Mazda B2000. It does need work, but it is so nice to not get up at the crack of dawn. Especially when I don't have to be at work or I happen to be working closing that day. The need for sleep can be very underestimated LOL.

Finally, it is coming to the wire. I could be closing on my new home maybe as early as two weeks. We have just had it inspected and are waiting to hear from the sellers as to weather they are willing to drop some cost in order to fix the windows. I was able to get into the house yesterday to get some measurements. I have many plans or decorating, and building that are flying in my head. I want to fence in the back yard so my dogs can play safely. Update the look of the home and pull it out of the 50's era. This isn't just so that I like it, but also for resale value. 
 
One of the things I enjoy doing is decorating, and remodeling. The room that I've picked as for my bedroom doesn't have a built in closet. Trust me when I say I am so looking forward to building my own. However I have found out the working on blue prints is not easy when lazy kitties want to be in your spot.


For the personal note... I had always thought that being married is the only way to happiness. Either cause I was  scared of growing old alone. Maybe it was cause I thought that if he married me, it would finally mean he really cared for me. And of course, all my friends are getting married. Truth be told, you can never force someone to care that much for you. If you happen to get an unwilling spouse, then it will never end well in the long or short run of it. I am finally realizing that I don't need someone to make me feel wanted, or loved. I'm very fortunate to have someone who cares and does love me very much. I'm so very happy that I don't put the pressure on him to prove his love to me. I don't need him to live with me, or marry me, in order for me to know he cares. He does this just by being open and honest with me at all times. If someday we do decide to live or be married, it will be cause we want to. It will be cause we choose to spend our lives together for the right reasons. My friend has told me "you never know what the future holds" as long as I never go back to where and what I was, I will look forward to all the new adventures in my life.

Working out, Growing, Cooking, and Decorating.

There has been so much going on lately. Lets start with I've decided to lose a bit (shit tons) of weight. I've started cutting out the sodas, sweets, and starches. I've finally decided to join a gym. Been going about 3 times a week. So far I've lost about 5 lbs. I know the first 5 is easy, the second is harder and the rest takes for ever. Hoping that I have what it takes to stick to it. However this is the first time that I'm doing this for me. Every times before I was doing it cause I thought that it would make someone love me more. Or I thought that maybe if I was pretty enough I would be appreciated more. I now know that these things are no longer important. I'm going to look and feel awesome, cause I want to. Because I want to look in the mirror and say "looking good".

Had to go though a bit of a rough patch. Some how fell back into my old ways of paranoia. I got super worried and upset over some pictures that my boyfriend liked. At first I was afraid to talk to him about it. In the past I was lead to believe that being paranoid was something that I was aloud to feel. After sometime, I broke down (more like bald my eyes out) and told him what I was feeling. He know of my past and how rough that I had it. He reassured me that they are friends of the family, but it wont be happening again. He told me that I was just as important to him, as his kids and that he loved me so very much. His words calmed me and made me realize that I was so silly to think that this awesome man would do anything to hurt me. He is truly one of a kind and no one has ever respected or loved me more then he does right now.

Over this past weekend was our one year anniversary of dating. To be honest with my up and down emotions I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to ever trust someone again. He has shown time and time again that he loves me and that he would never hurt me. He is there when I need him, even on the first time I took an anxious pill and got super sick. He rushed over and sat with me all night. Every morning he texts me good morning beautiful. He takes the time to check on me and show me how much he cares for me. Now that the year has pasted, I can't imagine my life with out him. I learned how to make Chicken Cordon Blue (one of his favs) for out dinner. I will have to say that it came out awesome. Lots of work but it was worth it, he's worth it <3 <3 <3

Continuing on awesome boyfriend stuff. He is letting me decorate his game room. I feel so trusted and accepted into his life with this. He letting me paint the room and even add a graphic on the wall behind the new futon. I'm very excited to see how it all comes out. We are making the room light blue, with black and gray. Picked out a shelving unit that holds most of the systems plus the TV. Got a fairly comfy couch, that will fold out to a bed. Hoping to find an area rug, new curtains and top it off with gaming/music art. Not to mention, his Opus collection LOL

Where will you be standing?

This morning I woke to a thought. It really started manifesting during the morning as I'm doing my usual Facebook browsing.  The amount of hate and division going on between the people I care about is awful.  I have a very wide variety of people on my friends list to say the least. Some are gay, bi, and straight. I have blacks, whites, and orientals.  There are Wickens, Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, and Atheist.  Some are old, middle aged, young, and even children. If I've left anyone out, I do apologize.

I personally am the white, middle aged, straight, Christian, female.  I have my beliefs and I have my opinion on those beliefs.  Just as my friends have on theirs.  But no matter what I feel or believe, I care about all my friends and family the same. I may not feel the same way they do and I may not support the same things they do.  However it will never change how I care of all of them.

The real thing that is weighing on my heart today is... Where are we heading as people? I truly feel that no matter who wins the election, the world as we know it will change.  And it won’t change for the good.  Everything that is happening, not just in the US, but around the whole world, is leading to the end times.  I don’t understand the debate about restrooms and transgenders.  Will the world really get better if we raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour?  The future seems very bleak to me.

The hate, the crimes, and wars are all leading us down a predestined path. I know, I know, here we go with a preachy talk of the end times. Regardless if anyone choose to accept it, it is still going to happen. Do I know when? No. Do I know how? Sadly no. I really need to brush up on my Revelations again.

What I do know is that when it happens where will you as a person stand.  Will you be standing on the side of man.  Will you be supporting the way of man and his ways.  Or, will you be standing on the side of God.  Supporting his way and his standings.  The way of man is always changing.  It's always evolving to cater to the will of the population.  Standing for what may be popular, but may not be right.  God's will has never changed.  His laws and guides for life have never changed.

When is comes down to it in the end, as much as I love all my friends, I am hoping to be strong enough to choose God's way.  As much as I want all my friend safe and happy, it comes down to our own personal eternal lives.  The only thing I can hope is that everyone will turn and stand with me.  I hate the idea of leaving anyone behind.  But it's a personal decision, and can only be made by each person.  Just always know, no matter what you believe in, or where you stand, I will always care for everyone that means so much to me.

My mom reminded me of Revelation 3:15-16
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Where will you be standing?

Bits and Pieces, Ups and Downs

This past week or so has been pretty up and down.  My son & my boyfriend's son have been working on a car together. I always have hopes of them becoming friends, & doing more together. Turns out, I don't think he is found of my son. At least when it's over, my son will hopefully have a working car.

April 1st was the start of the Cruse Inn car show. It's a show where locals go to hang out with there classic cars. It pretty much happens around this burger & shake shop. They have a DJ, raffle drawing, & in general a fun crowd. My boyfriend loves to bring his cars. Plus it's fun watching him show off a bit.

Out of the blue, my awesome guy got me a tablet. He always knew I wanted one. We walk around a pawn shop after having TCBY. After we left, on or way to the music store, he surprised me with it. Even now it can feel strange to feel important to someone. I keep thinking it's a dream & one day my life will be back to the way it was.

It's been a rough weekend at work. It seems that everyone always have this feeling of entitlement. So here's my rant...
     No... It is not my responsibility to have your coupons. If I happen to have one, then fine, if not, look them up your self.
     It is not my problem if you wait till the day your bill is due. Nor can I control if my computers are down all over the store.
     Being nasty or mean to me or my co-workers will not help your case. If anything I will put you at the bottom of my priorities.

Also, I seem to have messed up one of my ankles. It's swollen, and hurts if it turns a bit. Not sure what happened or what I can do about it. Will have to wait and keep an eye on it <sigh>

On an up note my garden seems to be doing good. I'm looking forward to the car show this Saturday. Plus, when my son gets his car, he and I will have a bit more freedom.

Hope everyone has 
a wonderful day <3

There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.

Photo's, Gardening, Food and Movies

Some of my Photographs

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lots been happening. I am wanting to get a bit back into photography. So... me and boyfriend went out and I snaped some pics. So much to relearn about taking picture, but I sure did have a blast. We stoped by a place to check about some car work. There was some really awesome cars. Then later that day we went to the Greenway and took a walk. The day was perfect and I got some really great shots. You can see more of my shots on my Photobucket account. This seemed to be the easiest way to get them up in one spot. Of course some will be on my face book. After all if it's not in social media, then it never happened LOL

GARDENING

Start of my Veggie Garden

I've also started a container garden. Just a little one with only 3 vegtables. Garden Beans, Spinach, and Lettus. This is just the start, so there is no telling how well this will work out. Growing veggies is somthing I've always wanted to, but until now I didn't really have the means to do it. Living on my own means not really worrying what anyone else thinks if my ideas are stupid. LOL

 

WELCOME TO MOE'S

Heading out to Moe's

Moe's Southwestern Grill has finally come to our town. I remember when I moved here, how much I would miss going there. Every once awhile, it was nice to have a totally yummy lunch that is completely filling and the atmosphere is awesome. Don't mind me looking absolutely horrible. We had the top down and I'm completely wind blown. All I need now is a Genghis Grill and I think my food life will be set <yummy>

THE MOVIES

When to go see 10 Cloverfield Lane. How is describe this movie and say what it's about isn't really possible. The only thing I can say is that it gives plot twist a whole new meaning . Go see it, I really loved this movie and hope that they come out with more.

and.... of course seeing the Warcraft Movie poster made me giggle like a school girl. I've only been waiting for 5 years for this movie to come out. I feel like my heart is just gonna burst if June 10th doesn't get here faster.

Over all everything is going pretty good. I've lots to do and even though I can have bad days. I have to say that my goods day way out do them. I'm looking so forward to the future and I feel that I have so many opportunities ahead of me.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.