Birthdays - I am so very blessed

 This week was my birthday, and last week was my Mom's birthday. Like we try to do every year we spent the week between our birthdays together.We pretty much chilled at her home and did some thrift store shopping. Just spending time with her has always been a great joy in my life. I see way too many people not appreciate the ability of time with family. I never want to be one of those people that say "I wish I had, or I wish I said". My mom has always been a huge part of my life and I always want her to know how much I love and appreciate her everyday. <steps of soap box>

Any-who, we had an awesome dinner and of course some cake and ice cream. She loved the shirts and Tervis cup that I had gotten her. She had gotten me a Keurig Coffee maker. It's red, my favorite kitchen color and my son had gotten me a Keurig Cup with filters. I really love it and have already picked up the craft that can go with it.

I was so lucky to have the day off from my birthday. I did such constructive things around the house like binge watch Once Upon A Time. Cried on about every episode. Why is a show about fairy tails have so many sad ends all the time LOL. Played with my new kitten and hung out with the dogs. Yep I was so busy getting very important things done lol. Facebook... lets not forget Facebook ~.^


My awesome boyfriend, who had to work that day, messaged me and let me pick dinner for that night. I've always loved eating outside, when it's nice out of course, so I picked Friday Friends. However we ended up a Judges Restaurant. He just knows how I love to try new places, so he suggested somewhere I haven't eaten. He came over bearing gifts and to pick me up for dinner. Not just some random gift that he felt he needed to by, but thoughtful gifts. He knows how much I love copper for my kitchen and the inscription on my new coffee cup was perfect. Inside my card said "Have the kind of birthday that embarrasses your kids." He was tells me that he was trying to find a tree frog bag to hold my stuff, but couldn't. He remembers that I love tree frogs. After so many years of feeling so unimportant, it is so over whelming to feel like I was the most important person that night. To have someone think so highly of you to make sure your birthday was the best day ever. I don't think he even realized how much his thoughtfulness made this the best birthday that I have ever had. Also, he had them sing to me at the restaurant, I've never had waitresses sign for me before, it was awesome.

My Birthday, My Life, My future

This month I'm turning 49. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say your age. I've never feared getting older. I think my biggest fear was just getting older without someone by my side. I've never cared for the feeling of not knowing if I was on the right path, or with the right person. Always thinking that if I wasn't married that my life for some reason is incomplete.

In just a little over a year, there has been so many changes happening. I walked away from a life that I thought I wanted and found out that the life I wanted was two states away. The main reason for moving back to NC was to find out who I was, and where I needed to be. As much as I loved the person that I was with, I didn't like the person I was with him. So as much as it hurt to leave I left in order to find a better me. As it turns out we both are better people for it and now we are probably better friends then we ever where. Our experiences have shown each other of who we are and I am thankful that our friendship getting better as time moves on.

Since my move, I've joined a shag dance club, took up wine tasting, and started doing more thing that made me happy. I set goals for my life in gaming, relationships, and family. I've cut down on gaming and started focusing on making friends. I've met someone awesome that I share common interest and corks with. At the same time we respect each others differences too. Plus I'm working on spending more time with family, now that I'm closer to them. I'm learning that being satisfied in myself is what I was lacking in my old life. I had the illusion that it was up to someone else to make me happy. Lets not forget the fact that I've bought myself a new home. I've found that I get great happiness from working on making this house into the home that I've always wanted.


Looking back at my life I know that the path I needed to take to find my boyfriend was a necessary one. All my past experiences have shown me how lucky I am to have him in my life. I thank God everyday for finding someone who thinks bow ties are cool too. He cares for his family, works on cars, and saves turtles from the side of the road. What more can someone want from a love. Plus he knows how much mike to put in my cereal and how to make my coffee <3

As I'm getting older, I still have a wanting to grow old with someone. However it's gone from "OMG - I need to have this now" to "I look forward to when the time is right to be with my forever love". Knowing that no matter what happens in the future everything will happen for the best. That right there folks has got the be the most peaceful feeling that I've ever had.

New in the future of big changes for me.

Driving a crossfire <woot>

Well, it's been a bit over a year since I've made the big jump to be on my own. So much has happened and so many changes in my life and how I feel about things.

When I first moved here, I was afraid that my life and my dreams where just going to disappear. That the important people that I loved would one day just walk away out of my life. I had to life with so many regrets and so many ups and downs from moving. I've had to make new friends and find new interest for my life. The only thing that I was sure of was that I knew I had to develop more as an individual.

Mommy visiting

Since in the time of a year, I've had my heart broken, lost some friends and lost a job that I enjoyed doing. I also have made new friends, got my heart mended, and found a better job that is more rewarding in funds and quality of management. During my times here, I've had one son stay with my for a few weeks, another come visit me, and one that needed a place to stay and still has not to leave yet. LOL I've had family come visit, sometimes for a day and sometimes for a few days. I've started taking up shag dancing, going to wine tastings, and trying to get back into painting again.

I've met an awesome man who never leaves me feeling lost or confused. He encourages me to be strong and independent, but he also never leaves me feeling lacking or unappreciated. He has shown me that I can count on him, but I don't need to. He's shown me that I can make myself happy and in turn I am a happier person to be with. I'm not dependent on being with him, but he is an extension of my happiness that I am so very glad to have in my life.

Now, after a year I've done some pretty hard looking at what I wanted in my life and what I didn't
want. I knew that I've always craved to make sure that I've had a permit fix on my life. For the longest time, I thought that meant that I had to be married in order to feel confident with my future. I've began to realized that wasn't the case at all. In fact it's completely the wrong reason to get married. I still need that feeling of having confidence in my future. So I'm thinking that it was time to make my own step to a permanent future.

New House <bites nails>

I've just made an offer on a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house in a quite little town. It's about the half way point between where I am now and where my awesome boyfriend is living. Which is also where my shag club meets for dancing LOL. The house is pretty dated and really needs a lot of upgrades in the looks department. I'm really hoping that this is what God has planed for me. The structure of the home is very sound and the roof looks to be in very good condition. I'm extremely exited of my new venture in my future. It's the first real step that I've taken in walking away from my past and stepping into the light of a new life. A life that is about me growing a person and as an independent.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

The constellation prize

 

 For so many years, seems like most of my life. I usually hated driving home. Living in a life where no matter what I did, I was never anyone's priority. Coming home to a husband or boyfriend that didn't seem to care if I was there or not. My children who for the most part didn't want to have much to do with me. Other then the when is dinner and can you get... for me. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice. Someone to say out of all of there picks, they pick me.

I was married to a man that drank too much. He was for the most part a loving husband and father to his children. I hated the idea that he was wasted every night and for the most part passed out too early to enjoy his time with family after work. When he stopped drink, it was like being with a whole new person. He was caring, loving and had energy to do things with his kids and me. Our love life bloomed and I had fallen in love with him all over again. However that only lasted 3 months. I begged him to stop, I offered to get him other things to drink. He could not put me or his family over his addiction to beer. 

Soon after we separated and then divorced, I started to date. Was seeing a wonderful man who I had though was worth spending my life with. However I spent most of the time feeling like a shadow to his wife. She had pasted after a long fight with liver disease. It seemed that he was trying to make me more into like his late wife. Changed the cigarettes that I smoked, requesting to change how I do my hair. Spent so much time listening to how happy he was with her. How does a person live up to a dead woman. He moved away, leaving with very little warning. I felt life no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, I was not good enough to make him happy.

After on and off relationship, I met my last husband in a game that I was playing. Feeling broken and lost, I felt that he would have been the best that I could do as a future. After all we had a common liking of playing the same game. Turns out that when it came time to choose between game time or family time. Once again I was left in second place. He refused to seriously look for work and milked his unemployment so he could game more. After some time and when the unemployment ran out we separated cause on my part time minimum wage job, I could not support his large eating habits.

Back to being in relationship that either I was someone second choice cause they could have who they really wanted. Or I had to wait my turn till game time was over. My self esteem was so low that by this point, I was happy to be someone's second choice in life. Feeling like I wasn't worth being put first in anyone's life. 

It took me a long time to finally stand up and on my own and learn that I was important. 

Maybe not to my husbands, or my boyfriends... but to me. 

I now live on my own and hold down my own apartment. I dance when I have time with my shag dancing club. Still trying to find time to get to the wine tasting that is once a month. Just can't seem to coordinate my times. I've gotten back into panting, refurbishing furniture, making candles and over all setting time a side for me. My years of being a constellation prize or someone's regret or second choice is slowly becoming a memory that one day may be forgiven and forgotten. Slowly my brokeness is fading and not becuse I've relied on a man, but because I'm working on relying on me.

Trust

What is there to say about it that hasn't been said before. It's such a fragile thing and so easy to shred. When built up it can enrich lives and strengthen relationships. When taken away it can destroy a life, and respect that people have. Not just for the person that they lost the trust in, but in just about everyday life. Once it's gone, there could be a life time trying to earn it back.


There have been times that I was not a trust worthy person. I have lied and I have been less then a friend to the people I cared about. Maybe that is why that I had felt that when the person that I trusted most broke my trust in them. Or maybe it was the thought that since I was so untrusted, that I didn't deserve a trusting friend. So my paranoia and suspicions pushed them away, & caused them to break my heart.

I have lost friends, loved ones, people who I thought I had forever. People who could no longer be there because I at that time was not a good friend to them. Love should not be unconditional, and it isn't. Our friends and loved ones are not our puppies, who will forgive us no matter what. We should always know that what we have is fragile and should never be taken for granite. As fast as we can lie to someone, that someone can walk out that door.

Today in my current life, I'm blessed with friends, family, and an awesome boyfriend, who is probably the most honest person that I have ever met. Even when he tells me something that I may not like, I trust that he will always be open with me. This didn't happen right away, but with help and time, I am learning to trust in people again. I have given him my heart and I am trusting that he will take very special care of it.

Do I miss my old friends, and loved ones? Of course I do. My mom said that when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them. Whether it's past relations, lost family, or that best friend from school. You learn to live life with out them, but you will always miss them. I hope that in my future endeavors I've learned from my past. Hope that I can be a better friend, a better daughter, mother, and Aunt to all that I love. Striving one day, that someone will want to call me his wife. With that I of course hope to be a better wife to this person.

They say that perfection in unrealistic. I would like to think that "trying" for it isn't

What to say...

What to say. I'm sure most people are never sure about how to start these things. So, I will talk about my work history.

I gratuated from the Art Institute of Ft. Lauderdale, eith an associate in science in commercial art.

This was so long ago, about 1989. For about 16 years ive work in the field, & i loved it. I moved my family to the mountians to get my sons out of Ft. Lauderdale. I just wanted a cleaner and better life for them.

To my suprise, i did get a job at the paper

just up the mountian. This was great, I loved my job, I loved my mountains, & I was closed to my family. The publisher wanted her own people in there. Slowly one by one, for one reason or anouther I watched my friend leave.  About after three years working with them, it happened, I lost my job About after three years working with them, it happened, I lost my job.

In a small town there are no more art jobs. I tried all the print shops, other papers, even freelance a bit. However I needed to make a living & I needed to take care of my kids. So, I started working retail.

Currently i work in customer service in very nice department store. When I first started, I truly thought I was gonna hate it. I've never been that fond of people. Turns out I'm pretty good at it, & I actually enjoy making people happy. I still miss my life of art, but I will always do what ever job I get to the best of my abilities.