I have an addiction

I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I'm not hooked on prescription medication and outside of lotto tickets, I'm not addicted to gambling. 

I have what some call codependency. 

Lets review some of the things that make people Codependent here now: Codependency affects people in a variety of ways. Common characteristics of Codependents include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
• Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
• Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
• Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
• Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
• Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration 

 Taken from interventiontreatmentrecovery.org

It makes it very difficult to move on and away from toxic people. Many times it can bring about depression, and anxiety. I feel sad when I can't be with the people I care about most. There are times that I can't breath when I can't get hold of someone. Even after a wonderful weekend with a loved one, I can get anxious or extremely sad of the thought of going home. Forget the thought of not talking to, seeing or being in contact with someone one from the past hurts more then the fight or break up. I have always aloud people to walk on me, use me, accepted there rudeness in life. This was all in the fear that I would rather be miserable, then to be with out people who where just not good to have in my life. I still have a problem getting all my feelings out in the open. Scared of rejection, persecution or worst someone walking out of my life again.

With counseling, medication, good friends and family, I've been able to work more independently with out needing someones attention 24/7. I've taken up painting, refurbished furniture, learning how to shag dance and now taking an interest in blogging. I have gotten into the practice of hanging out with other people. Working on spending time with other people, unusually turns out that I enjoy myself very much once my anxiety calms down.

Even though my first instinct is to only be with my boyfriend. That was a past mistake that I had made more then once in my life. Finally learned that no one can make me happy, but me. When I'm in control of my feelings, then I become a more valued person to be around. Not cause they feel the need to help me, but because I'm truly an awesome person to hang out with.