Still the Same Ole Me

Pretty busy weekend happened, but there seemed to be some day-ja-voes that occurs in my life. There was a pretty big car show over the weekend. My boyfriend is part a Regatta Buck car club. So of course we where going.

We spent Friday afternoon, looking around the salvage yard. Trying to find a missing part for my son. Did find the part, but I always life a good tressure hunt anyways. I get the idea that I'm surviving a post apocalyptic time. I'm keeping an out for bad people, or zombies, while my awesome boyfriend is hunting parts that we need to survive.

After heading out and getting my son back home from his job, I'm heading back to help my boyfriend get his car ready for the show. I'm not very helpful in most things, so I asked if he wanted to have his water. I had to stop and giggle when I caught myself tapping the glass to make the ice float. Something that he doesn't care about, but it's something that I have gotten a custom to doing.

The car show was pretty awesome. I don't know much about cars, but I felt it's important to support the people who you care about. It was sooooo freezing. I stupidly left my hoodie at the house. All I had was a sweater and the club gave us tee-shirts. While walking the track, my awesome boyfriend put me in his over shirt. Now all he had on was a short sleeve button down :( After a bit, I could tell he was getting colder, so I told him I was hot and gave him back his shirt. By the end of the event, I had a wind burn, that still bothers me now LOL

Looking at cars, deciding what car to buy. Agreeing with all his picks. Of course only if he agreed to let me drive them too. After all, who am I to discourage him from his dreams. Specially after we win and lottery and are rich. We will have the car, the house and even a barn for a horse. ~.^ It's fun to think about getting what you want, even if in reality you don't.

Later that night, I was sore, burnt, and my foot that's been bothering me was hurting. He knew I was in pain, but I wouldn't give in and tell him. He knows that I don't want people to worry about me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's cause I don't want to think that people feel sorry for me. Or, think that people only care cause I'm weak or in pain. I don't want to be needy.

Sunday, he went to have dinner with his family. I choose to stay at the house. He had asked me to make his sandwiches for work. Of course I would. Got the sandwiches made, watched some TV and then waited from him to come home. After he showered, we watched a movie and then I went home.

I find myself doing the same things over and over again. Pretending to be in my fantasy worlds, tapping the ice off the bottom of a glass of water. Fetching water, food and walking in the cold to be with and make someone happy. I'm not complaining, I'm just seeing a pattern of giving and doing what ever it takes to help someone I love. 

I just don't want make the same mistakes again.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

The constellation prize

 

 For so many years, seems like most of my life. I usually hated driving home. Living in a life where no matter what I did, I was never anyone's priority. Coming home to a husband or boyfriend that didn't seem to care if I was there or not. My children who for the most part didn't want to have much to do with me. Other then the when is dinner and can you get... for me. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice. Someone to say out of all of there picks, they pick me.

I was married to a man that drank too much. He was for the most part a loving husband and father to his children. I hated the idea that he was wasted every night and for the most part passed out too early to enjoy his time with family after work. When he stopped drink, it was like being with a whole new person. He was caring, loving and had energy to do things with his kids and me. Our love life bloomed and I had fallen in love with him all over again. However that only lasted 3 months. I begged him to stop, I offered to get him other things to drink. He could not put me or his family over his addiction to beer. 

Soon after we separated and then divorced, I started to date. Was seeing a wonderful man who I had though was worth spending my life with. However I spent most of the time feeling like a shadow to his wife. She had pasted after a long fight with liver disease. It seemed that he was trying to make me more into like his late wife. Changed the cigarettes that I smoked, requesting to change how I do my hair. Spent so much time listening to how happy he was with her. How does a person live up to a dead woman. He moved away, leaving with very little warning. I felt life no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, I was not good enough to make him happy.

After on and off relationship, I met my last husband in a game that I was playing. Feeling broken and lost, I felt that he would have been the best that I could do as a future. After all we had a common liking of playing the same game. Turns out that when it came time to choose between game time or family time. Once again I was left in second place. He refused to seriously look for work and milked his unemployment so he could game more. After some time and when the unemployment ran out we separated cause on my part time minimum wage job, I could not support his large eating habits.

Back to being in relationship that either I was someone second choice cause they could have who they really wanted. Or I had to wait my turn till game time was over. My self esteem was so low that by this point, I was happy to be someone's second choice in life. Feeling like I wasn't worth being put first in anyone's life. 

It took me a long time to finally stand up and on my own and learn that I was important. 

Maybe not to my husbands, or my boyfriends... but to me. 

I now live on my own and hold down my own apartment. I dance when I have time with my shag dancing club. Still trying to find time to get to the wine tasting that is once a month. Just can't seem to coordinate my times. I've gotten back into panting, refurbishing furniture, making candles and over all setting time a side for me. My years of being a constellation prize or someone's regret or second choice is slowly becoming a memory that one day may be forgiven and forgotten. Slowly my brokeness is fading and not becuse I've relied on a man, but because I'm working on relying on me.

I have an addiction

I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I'm not hooked on prescription medication and outside of lotto tickets, I'm not addicted to gambling. 

I have what some call codependency. 

Lets review some of the things that make people Codependent here now: Codependency affects people in a variety of ways. Common characteristics of Codependents include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
• Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
• Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
• Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
• Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
• Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration 

 Taken from interventiontreatmentrecovery.org

It makes it very difficult to move on and away from toxic people. Many times it can bring about depression, and anxiety. I feel sad when I can't be with the people I care about most. There are times that I can't breath when I can't get hold of someone. Even after a wonderful weekend with a loved one, I can get anxious or extremely sad of the thought of going home. Forget the thought of not talking to, seeing or being in contact with someone one from the past hurts more then the fight or break up. I have always aloud people to walk on me, use me, accepted there rudeness in life. This was all in the fear that I would rather be miserable, then to be with out people who where just not good to have in my life. I still have a problem getting all my feelings out in the open. Scared of rejection, persecution or worst someone walking out of my life again.

With counseling, medication, good friends and family, I've been able to work more independently with out needing someones attention 24/7. I've taken up painting, refurbished furniture, learning how to shag dance and now taking an interest in blogging. I have gotten into the practice of hanging out with other people. Working on spending time with other people, unusually turns out that I enjoy myself very much once my anxiety calms down.

Even though my first instinct is to only be with my boyfriend. That was a past mistake that I had made more then once in my life. Finally learned that no one can make me happy, but me. When I'm in control of my feelings, then I become a more valued person to be around. Not cause they feel the need to help me, but because I'm truly an awesome person to hang out with.