Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.