Starting A New

It's been forever since I've posted on here. A lot has happened since my last post. 2017 was a horrible year of chemo, surgeries, heart breaks, and reaching my lowest point in depression. 2018 in the beginning wasn't much better. Still dealing with chemo and the then having a double mastectomy. The constant feeling being lied and the mis trust I dealt with most of the year. There where time that I have reached a low that even the most important people in my family didn't know about. Then even in the end of the year, I'm dealing with people working on making me feel my worst. Some trying to make me second guest my choice mostly. Or others who try to so the seeds of lies to make me question my friends and relations.

However we are not at the end of 2018 and a New Year is about to begin. Currently I'm feeling the most confident that I've felt in years. The people who care have made sure to let me know that they are with me for life & others who only care to hurt me have chosen to step away.

This year I have finished my chemo and as stated before I had a double mastectomy, with reconstruction. Pretty much I now look like a barbe LOL. Finished radiation and back at work just in time for the Christmas holidays. You have no idea how great it is to work, when you are told you can't. I've learned how to refurbished my own floors in my house, and they look pretty good, if I say so myself. It has giving me the confidence to try to learn as many new things that I can. This Sunday I will be started in my new position at work on the Merchandising team. It's much earlier hours and hopefully more physical. I so excited to get on with my new venture with the team.

The holidays where awesome and I hope to have pictures to post soon. However I have eaten myself into a whopping ???.6 lbs. Way to embarrassed to actually say my weight, but that is something I am going to have to fix. However that segways me into the next part of my blog... GOALS

I know, it's a bit early for the whole New Year's Resolution, but this is what I was thinking about "this" morning... I really want to focus on me this year. I spend way to much energy worrying about what she/he thinks and if people like or don't like me. I want to look in a mirror and be happy with myself (aka weight loss & taking care of how I look). Maybe a post of weight loss with pop up one day. Lets all hope so >.<  I want to be more active and feel better about going out doing things. Tired of being winded with the smallest of tasks. I want to go hiking, swimming and in general do more things to feel alive. I want to make "my" house the best that it can be. It's been far to long that I have neglected it. It's time to make into a home that I can be proud of. I want to learn all that I can and do things for myself. Currently I'm learning to make my own mud bricks. Hopefully I will have a post on that & many more DIY things. Most of all I want to get past the feelings of worthlessness. And I need to not count on others to fix this for me.

So, I hope to have lots of new posts on DIY and learning new things. Would like to get more attention to my photography and artwork. Pictures on self-improvement and home improvement. Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas and a safe & wonderful New Year.

The "C" Word...preventing re-spawns

Well... the raid on my cancer for the most part was very successful. The tumor was removed & they only took out two lymph nodes. The first lymph node showed to have cancer but at first glance the second did not. This reassuring the doctor that the cancer had not spread to anywhere else. And in this perfect world I would just have radiation & then be done with it....

However in THIS world is turns out that after further testing of the second left sentinel lymph node  #2 positive for carcinoma.This means that the cancer could now be working in my lymph node system. Just a quick 411... The lymph nodes is what travels everything to the rest of your body. So YES this is serious. And to top it off the cancer that I have is called metaplastic carcinoma. Apparently this is a very aggressive form of cancer. They are even talking about MAYBE going back in to remove more tissue & ALL of my lymph nodes. This however is the worst case scenario.

What does this mean moving on from now... Looks like instead of "just" doing radiation, I will also have to undergo chemo. I will have to head back to the hospital to get what they call is a port. This will allow me to get blood drawn, & get my treatments will little to no pain. From what everything that I've talked with friends, family, doctors, nurses... everyone is affected differently. I have been told that chocolate chip mint ice cream is the best way to get back my taste buds after treatment.

After all the chemo treatments are done, then it's back to having radiation. Which I will be getting about 30 days of this.

On an up note... My awesome mommy is coming up to drive me to & from the hospital next week when I get my port. PLUS, that following week (which is my birthday) she is coming up to sit with me during my chemo.  Even though everything can be so overwhelming, I thank God that I have people that give support & are there when I need them. Though HIM and them, I can make it thew anything.

P.S. - Next week I will be making a big change. 💟

"C" word... Dungeon strat

Meet with the doctor to go over the plan of action to take down this boss named cancer. According to
the CT scan it seems to have only spawned in a very small area of my breast. So thankfully we are going use the lumpectomy strat.

According to Dr. Green, and his small team of five, he will put me under and proceed to remove the cancer. Then inject a blue dye that will help to see if any of the limp-nodes could have gotten infected. Kind of like what the CT scan did, but more. He will then be removing anywhere from one to four possible nodes in order to test them. Hopefully they will all come back cancer free and the battle on my tatas will be over. However... if they any one of them come back to be infected then they too will be removed.

Providing the dungeon area is cleared & everything is removed, I should then only have to do radiation treatment. This is to keep any from coming back & re-infecting me again.

My doctor is very optimistic & feels that everything should turn out great. I love the fact that he's very confident in knowing that we can go with a lumpectomy & radiation. Talking with people, I had heard so many stories of doctors just wanting to remove everything. To be honest I'm just a bit too vain to loose my breast. So to say the least, I was very happy that he was feeling good about just doing that lumpectomy. Mind you, I would be lying if I didn't say I was scarred to death, but I'm working really hard to keep my faith that in God's hands everything will be fine.

Once again I would like to thank all my friends who have reached out to. Your calls & messages have meant the world to me. Thank you to my family and sons. My youngest came up to see me & for the fist time in about 3 years I had all three of my boys under one roof. Special thanks to my Mom who drove 2.5 hours one way, just to sit with me to get the news on my surgery. Plus she will be here again this Wednesday to be with till I'm up and well again. God couldn't have given me a better Mom then the one I have <3 And of course, my handsome boyfriend Michael. Even with the crazy hours he has at work, he always found the time to support me. He's always there when I need him and he is the rock that I hold onto when I feel I'm about to fall.

Hope everyone has a blessed week and I will be back more updates. 

The "C" word... latest updates

Well... this has been what seems to be a no-stop week. However it kind of starts off with last week, and that is where I will start.

I've met my doctor that seems to be in charge of the future of my tatas. We sat down, went over the possibilities of what can happen. He explained that hopefully we will just do a lumpectomy & maybe some radiation,but of course we discussed the slim possibilities of a full mastectomy. Then we set me up with appoints & apparently I get a cancer buddy. She is someone that has already gone though this & she has gotten her masters in helping people with understand what is happening.

Now this brings us to this week. After calling my kids & letting them know what was happening, I decided to open up to social media. To say the least my kids are very supportive & my son even dropped everything just to come up to see me for a day that I was off. The out pour of friends & support from everyone was awesome. I couldn't ask for a better support team, & I love that people reaching out to me is very overwhelming (in a good way of course).

My awesome son Colby came up on Tuesday morning with his friends. I had to be at work that morning, but he came to my work to see me. It's such a blessing to know that he felt the need to come see me. I don't thing even he knows how much it really meant to me. Wednesday was my appoint for my CT Scan. I had to be at the hospital at 8:00 & I wasn't even able to have any food or (gulp) coffee before my test. Colby had gotten up & of course went with me for my test. They have you drink this nasty stuff, OMG - I can't even describe how it made me feel a bit ill. When we went into the room for the test, they put you on long table & inject iodine into your system. It gives you a warm feeling from your head all the way down. Plus you get the taste of metal in your mouth. They move you though a tube & the process is over before you even know it. Afterward the awesome nurse even made me a cup of coffee & brought it right to me.

The following day was my appointment with the rehabilitation part of everything. Apparently, the doctor will be removing 2-3 lymph nodes from under my arm. This is so that they can test them for cancer. Let's pray that doesn't happen, because that would be very bad. However with this procedure, there is a chance that I can get lymphedema later in life. Lymphedema is swelling of the arm, hand, fingers, chest, or back on the side where you had your surgery. It can be very uncomfortable. However I did get to meet my new friend Dolly. She cam in to say hi and sit and talk with me while they where getting thing together. She's a very sweet lady and brought me a care package.

 Between family, friends, the best boyfriend EVER,

 I have the strongest support group that anyone can have. 

I just want to thank everyone has reached out in support & love. 

With God and you, I know that there is nothing that can hold us down.

The "C" word

A couple weeks ago was a normal series of physicals. Doctor appointments, mammograms, & of course the yearly girly check up. For the most part everything was perfect, I'm in better shape then most women 1/2 my age. However there was a some anomalies with my mammogram.

As they sat and explained that I would need a biopsy and that 85% of time it turns out to be nothing more then fatty tissue. I needed the biopsy only because this was my first mammogram, & they needed to document anything unusual. This way next year they know not to worry unless anything changes.

So... last week I went in for my big day. As nervous I was, I still had all the love and support from my family & of course my awesome boyfriend, who took the whole day off just to be with me. The nurses & doctors where awesome and they expanded everything that was going to happen. The doctor preforming the procedure even took the time to pray & put my mine at ease.

Everything went very smoothly. I couldn't have asked for a better team. I was relaxed & for the most part didn't feel a thing. It all was done and over with before I even realized it was even happening. After it was over, they explained that my primary doctor would have the results by the up coming Wednesday. Then I left with my new tiny pillow & three very pretty roses, and had a relaxing day with Michael watching TV & hanging out with him. Over all a great day. Did I mention that he got me the cutest stuff kitty too.

Then the call came early, just this past Monday (not Wednesday). My doctor called and asked me to come in. I asked why & she informed me that it was indeed cancer. My minded is shocked... the dreaded "C" word.  I had just finished working out, so I got dressed and heading in for the fateful meeting with her. She explained that this is a very common form, but still had to get me an appointment with a surgeon ASAP. In just a matter of weeks, I've gone from just a routine of years check-up to OMG - I need a surgeon, collecting doctor's notes for work, talking about possible medical disability.  I NOW have a life threatening object in my body. My mind is in circles & racing out of control. My whole life I've always been for the most part in charge of my destiny, but now I'm not.

Today is going to be appointment with my surgeon. This is the day we will know our options and the course that we will take in order to get over this. I really do know that I'm in God's hands and that he is the one in control. I would be lying if I didn't say that every nerve in my body feels like still exploding with emotion, but I am for the most part trying to stay calm. I also still have the support and love of my family & of Michael. I couldn't ask for a better support team. I will post updates as I get them & as soon as I can.

My Birthday, My Life, My future

This month I'm turning 49. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say your age. I've never feared getting older. I think my biggest fear was just getting older without someone by my side. I've never cared for the feeling of not knowing if I was on the right path, or with the right person. Always thinking that if I wasn't married that my life for some reason is incomplete.

In just a little over a year, there has been so many changes happening. I walked away from a life that I thought I wanted and found out that the life I wanted was two states away. The main reason for moving back to NC was to find out who I was, and where I needed to be. As much as I loved the person that I was with, I didn't like the person I was with him. So as much as it hurt to leave I left in order to find a better me. As it turns out we both are better people for it and now we are probably better friends then we ever where. Our experiences have shown each other of who we are and I am thankful that our friendship getting better as time moves on.

Since my move, I've joined a shag dance club, took up wine tasting, and started doing more thing that made me happy. I set goals for my life in gaming, relationships, and family. I've cut down on gaming and started focusing on making friends. I've met someone awesome that I share common interest and corks with. At the same time we respect each others differences too. Plus I'm working on spending more time with family, now that I'm closer to them. I'm learning that being satisfied in myself is what I was lacking in my old life. I had the illusion that it was up to someone else to make me happy. Lets not forget the fact that I've bought myself a new home. I've found that I get great happiness from working on making this house into the home that I've always wanted.


Looking back at my life I know that the path I needed to take to find my boyfriend was a necessary one. All my past experiences have shown me how lucky I am to have him in my life. I thank God everyday for finding someone who thinks bow ties are cool too. He cares for his family, works on cars, and saves turtles from the side of the road. What more can someone want from a love. Plus he knows how much mike to put in my cereal and how to make my coffee <3

As I'm getting older, I still have a wanting to grow old with someone. However it's gone from "OMG - I need to have this now" to "I look forward to when the time is right to be with my forever love". Knowing that no matter what happens in the future everything will happen for the best. That right there folks has got the be the most peaceful feeling that I've ever had.

First Room Redecorating

More and more things keeps getting better.

I finally feel like I'm making real progress on my first room re-decoration. All the walls & ceilings had to be patched & joint compounded with 3 layers. I may have inhaled about 3 pounds of dust from everything. After all that, I primer everything with Killz oil base. Wasn't too sure about how old the paint was, so I'm not taking any chances with it being lead base.

Now most people would just have been happy with painting the walls, ceiling, trim and moved on with life. Well... I did paint the ceiling and trim white. I painted the walls a very pale blue, & then went over the baseboards and door trim with bright white enamel paint. This helps with keeping clean, plus it seems to give it fresher look.

On one wall that had a cut out I painted in a box and added shelves to hold my son's things. Plus there is plenty of room for his dog's kennel at the bottom. On another wall I decided to paint strips. Just because I thought that it would be an added point of interest. It's nothing too fancy, but just a step above boring.

Now that is left is the new windows, that should be coming in next week and finish adding in the pictures, new futon, floor rug and curtains Later down the road all the hardwood floors will have to be refurbished. But, that is a project for a later time.

As my first project is getting closer to being completed, I'm finding out how much I've missed being a home owner. For way too long I've been throwing away my money paying rent. When in the end there is nothing to show for it. No way to get any of your hard earned money back. It finally feels good to invest my time, money, and energy into something that will in the long run pay off. Even if for some reason I never sell, then the work I do here will be mine for as long as keep it.

I've had such a huge out pore of support from my friends, family and loved ones. They really have encouraged me to let me know how well my work was. There where times I would be discouraged, but someone was always there telling me how great I was doing. All of that meant so much and I love how no matter how far I am from my friends and family, they always seem to be right next to me.

Also... this is Leo. My awesome boyfriend saved him from the highway off ramp. I know you are suppose to just take him across the street, but the traffic was too much. Luckily I have a forest behind my house. Lets all wish Leo the best of luck on  his new ventures in the woods. I may never see him again, but I will remember him fondly. Especially that part where he peed on me in the car LMAO

My new home

It's been a bit crazy.... I've gotten my new home, and all my stuff is moved in. Electric, water, and internet is all set up. The next is to get garbage pick-up set up. Turns out that I'm just outside the city limits, so I have to my own garbage taken care of.

Mommy of course came up to help me. We got movers for the last little bit that was too heavy to move on our own. They where awesome and a pleasure to work with. She even helped with getting most of the cleaning done in the old apartment. I can never measure how much my mother has always been there for me. Some say that kids are a gift from God, but my mommy is the gift for me <3

Hoping in about 3-4 weeks I will have a fenced in yard for the dogs to play in. After consideration, I
had decided to go with a 100ft of fencing for the dogs. They will love being about to run and not have to be tired up. I'm going to have two gates put on, so I can get to the rest of my backyard and to the front. This will be best for cutting grass and entertaining friends. Should be getting a quote on new windows tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see how everything looks with new windows. Not to mention the savings on the electric >.<

I've gotten most of the boxes unpacked and working on getting the art on the walls. Turns out that I was off for about 4 days this week. Making all the work that needed to be done fast and easy. There is still plenty of work to be done, but at least most of the bulk work is done.

I just can't express enough, how much I'm looking forward to making this home all me. Living in apartments just didn't give me the outlet that I love for decorating. Sure I've hung pics, and nick-naks, and put pillows on the couch. But, there is nothing like picking out paint, counter tops, working in a garden and knowing that everything is yours to control. Sure it's a lot of work, but so worth it in the long run. Knowing that the money I spend isn't just going to some leasing office. It's now an investment to my future. One day I may sell and everything I've worked on will be reward back to me. Until then, it's a labor of love <3

A New Home

Jess and me Easter 2016

Life has been so crazy for me. One minute everything is falling apart and the next, everything is falling into place.

As some may know, my niece was in a horrific car accent. By the grace of God the kids when never hurt. She has it rough, but at the moment she seems for be fine. However earlier this week there is talk of brain surgery that she may need. Her head aches are not getting better and she is still in a lot of pain. Our family and friends are awesome. Everyone has stepped up and helped. Weather is was watching the kids, or donating money for her lost glasses and medical bills. I have truly been blessed to see Gods work in her protection and in the hearts that hold her dear.

Michell at the carnival 2016

My niece's daughter came into town with my mom, and we spent time at the carnival. So much fun watching the people and her having a grand time. All the lights and excitement. It was very awesome to spend time with her as well as my mother. I had to work most of the time, but even the small amount that I got with them was worth it.

For months now, I've had to drive my son to work and most of the time, drive him back home. Finally last week, we saved up enough to get him his own transportation. Picked him up a 87 Mazda B2000. It does need work, but it is so nice to not get up at the crack of dawn. Especially when I don't have to be at work or I happen to be working closing that day. The need for sleep can be very underestimated LOL.

Finally, it is coming to the wire. I could be closing on my new home maybe as early as two weeks. We have just had it inspected and are waiting to hear from the sellers as to weather they are willing to drop some cost in order to fix the windows. I was able to get into the house yesterday to get some measurements. I have many plans or decorating, and building that are flying in my head. I want to fence in the back yard so my dogs can play safely. Update the look of the home and pull it out of the 50's era. This isn't just so that I like it, but also for resale value. 
 
One of the things I enjoy doing is decorating, and remodeling. The room that I've picked as for my bedroom doesn't have a built in closet. Trust me when I say I am so looking forward to building my own. However I have found out the working on blue prints is not easy when lazy kitties want to be in your spot.


For the personal note... I had always thought that being married is the only way to happiness. Either cause I was  scared of growing old alone. Maybe it was cause I thought that if he married me, it would finally mean he really cared for me. And of course, all my friends are getting married. Truth be told, you can never force someone to care that much for you. If you happen to get an unwilling spouse, then it will never end well in the long or short run of it. I am finally realizing that I don't need someone to make me feel wanted, or loved. I'm very fortunate to have someone who cares and does love me very much. I'm so very happy that I don't put the pressure on him to prove his love to me. I don't need him to live with me, or marry me, in order for me to know he cares. He does this just by being open and honest with me at all times. If someday we do decide to live or be married, it will be cause we want to. It will be cause we choose to spend our lives together for the right reasons. My friend has told me "you never know what the future holds" as long as I never go back to where and what I was, I will look forward to all the new adventures in my life.

Working out, Growing, Cooking, and Decorating.

There has been so much going on lately. Lets start with I've decided to lose a bit (shit tons) of weight. I've started cutting out the sodas, sweets, and starches. I've finally decided to join a gym. Been going about 3 times a week. So far I've lost about 5 lbs. I know the first 5 is easy, the second is harder and the rest takes for ever. Hoping that I have what it takes to stick to it. However this is the first time that I'm doing this for me. Every times before I was doing it cause I thought that it would make someone love me more. Or I thought that maybe if I was pretty enough I would be appreciated more. I now know that these things are no longer important. I'm going to look and feel awesome, cause I want to. Because I want to look in the mirror and say "looking good".

Had to go though a bit of a rough patch. Some how fell back into my old ways of paranoia. I got super worried and upset over some pictures that my boyfriend liked. At first I was afraid to talk to him about it. In the past I was lead to believe that being paranoid was something that I was aloud to feel. After sometime, I broke down (more like bald my eyes out) and told him what I was feeling. He know of my past and how rough that I had it. He reassured me that they are friends of the family, but it wont be happening again. He told me that I was just as important to him, as his kids and that he loved me so very much. His words calmed me and made me realize that I was so silly to think that this awesome man would do anything to hurt me. He is truly one of a kind and no one has ever respected or loved me more then he does right now.

Over this past weekend was our one year anniversary of dating. To be honest with my up and down emotions I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to ever trust someone again. He has shown time and time again that he loves me and that he would never hurt me. He is there when I need him, even on the first time I took an anxious pill and got super sick. He rushed over and sat with me all night. Every morning he texts me good morning beautiful. He takes the time to check on me and show me how much he cares for me. Now that the year has pasted, I can't imagine my life with out him. I learned how to make Chicken Cordon Blue (one of his favs) for out dinner. I will have to say that it came out awesome. Lots of work but it was worth it, he's worth it <3 <3 <3

Continuing on awesome boyfriend stuff. He is letting me decorate his game room. I feel so trusted and accepted into his life with this. He letting me paint the room and even add a graphic on the wall behind the new futon. I'm very excited to see how it all comes out. We are making the room light blue, with black and gray. Picked out a shelving unit that holds most of the systems plus the TV. Got a fairly comfy couch, that will fold out to a bed. Hoping to find an area rug, new curtains and top it off with gaming/music art. Not to mention, his Opus collection LOL

Where will you be standing?

This morning I woke to a thought. It really started manifesting during the morning as I'm doing my usual Facebook browsing.  The amount of hate and division going on between the people I care about is awful.  I have a very wide variety of people on my friends list to say the least. Some are gay, bi, and straight. I have blacks, whites, and orientals.  There are Wickens, Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, and Atheist.  Some are old, middle aged, young, and even children. If I've left anyone out, I do apologize.

I personally am the white, middle aged, straight, Christian, female.  I have my beliefs and I have my opinion on those beliefs.  Just as my friends have on theirs.  But no matter what I feel or believe, I care about all my friends and family the same. I may not feel the same way they do and I may not support the same things they do.  However it will never change how I care of all of them.

The real thing that is weighing on my heart today is... Where are we heading as people? I truly feel that no matter who wins the election, the world as we know it will change.  And it won’t change for the good.  Everything that is happening, not just in the US, but around the whole world, is leading to the end times.  I don’t understand the debate about restrooms and transgenders.  Will the world really get better if we raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour?  The future seems very bleak to me.

The hate, the crimes, and wars are all leading us down a predestined path. I know, I know, here we go with a preachy talk of the end times. Regardless if anyone choose to accept it, it is still going to happen. Do I know when? No. Do I know how? Sadly no. I really need to brush up on my Revelations again.

What I do know is that when it happens where will you as a person stand.  Will you be standing on the side of man.  Will you be supporting the way of man and his ways.  Or, will you be standing on the side of God.  Supporting his way and his standings.  The way of man is always changing.  It's always evolving to cater to the will of the population.  Standing for what may be popular, but may not be right.  God's will has never changed.  His laws and guides for life have never changed.

When is comes down to it in the end, as much as I love all my friends, I am hoping to be strong enough to choose God's way.  As much as I want all my friend safe and happy, it comes down to our own personal eternal lives.  The only thing I can hope is that everyone will turn and stand with me.  I hate the idea of leaving anyone behind.  But it's a personal decision, and can only be made by each person.  Just always know, no matter what you believe in, or where you stand, I will always care for everyone that means so much to me.

My mom reminded me of Revelation 3:15-16
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Where will you be standing?