Starting A New

It's been forever since I've posted on here. A lot has happened since my last post. 2017 was a horrible year of chemo, surgeries, heart breaks, and reaching my lowest point in depression. 2018 in the beginning wasn't much better. Still dealing with chemo and the then having a double mastectomy. The constant feeling being lied and the mis trust I dealt with most of the year. There where time that I have reached a low that even the most important people in my family didn't know about. Then even in the end of the year, I'm dealing with people working on making me feel my worst. Some trying to make me second guest my choice mostly. Or others who try to so the seeds of lies to make me question my friends and relations.

However we are not at the end of 2018 and a New Year is about to begin. Currently I'm feeling the most confident that I've felt in years. The people who care have made sure to let me know that they are with me for life & others who only care to hurt me have chosen to step away.

This year I have finished my chemo and as stated before I had a double mastectomy, with reconstruction. Pretty much I now look like a barbe LOL. Finished radiation and back at work just in time for the Christmas holidays. You have no idea how great it is to work, when you are told you can't. I've learned how to refurbished my own floors in my house, and they look pretty good, if I say so myself. It has giving me the confidence to try to learn as many new things that I can. This Sunday I will be started in my new position at work on the Merchandising team. It's much earlier hours and hopefully more physical. I so excited to get on with my new venture with the team.

The holidays where awesome and I hope to have pictures to post soon. However I have eaten myself into a whopping ???.6 lbs. Way to embarrassed to actually say my weight, but that is something I am going to have to fix. However that segways me into the next part of my blog... GOALS

I know, it's a bit early for the whole New Year's Resolution, but this is what I was thinking about "this" morning... I really want to focus on me this year. I spend way to much energy worrying about what she/he thinks and if people like or don't like me. I want to look in a mirror and be happy with myself (aka weight loss & taking care of how I look). Maybe a post of weight loss with pop up one day. Lets all hope so >.<  I want to be more active and feel better about going out doing things. Tired of being winded with the smallest of tasks. I want to go hiking, swimming and in general do more things to feel alive. I want to make "my" house the best that it can be. It's been far to long that I have neglected it. It's time to make into a home that I can be proud of. I want to learn all that I can and do things for myself. Currently I'm learning to make my own mud bricks. Hopefully I will have a post on that & many more DIY things. Most of all I want to get past the feelings of worthlessness. And I need to not count on others to fix this for me.

So, I hope to have lots of new posts on DIY and learning new things. Would like to get more attention to my photography and artwork. Pictures on self-improvement and home improvement. Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas and a safe & wonderful New Year.

Birthday, Chemo, and Hair

Full Complete Series <3

Happy Birthday to me... Well, this is the day that I turned 50, the big five-O. Let me start by thanking everyone EVERYWHERE for my birthday post, phone calls & text. You have no idea how awesome it is. Yesterday spent the day after work with Michael. With everything going on he has been a strong pillar for me to turn to for a-lot. He had gotten me Doctor Who DVDs so I can watch the rest of the series. He sooooo totally gets me. We had a very early dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. If you ever go for your birthday, you get the richest chocolate cake EVER. To say the least yesterday was pretty awesome & is being added to my happy memory vault.💝💝💝

The Cake Mom & I Shared <3

Today my Mommy came to see me. As some know, it's about 2.5 hours for us to get to each other's homes. Plus, because of family responsibilities, she usually has to be back in the same day. So yea... it's a big deal and I love her for that. But today was not just my birthday, it was also the day that chemo is scheduled to start. Turns out that because of the severity of my cancer, I did NOT start my chemo today. Looks like after all of the doctors discussed it I will be going back into surgery. I will be getting more removed in order to lower the percentage of my cancer coming back.

After all of that, we came home and had an awesome spaghetti dinner. BTW - my Mom does make the BEST spaghetti known to man kind. We had picked up a large single serving cake for the both of us and had an awesome birthday day visit. In which I opened presents, & attempted to color my hair...

Hours Before My Donation

Looooong Hair <3

SEGUE into the hair... Anyone who does know me, knows I LOVE my hair & how hard I keep it long and in good condition. To say the least, the thought of it going into the garbage was NOT acceptable. Due to the fact that I will be getting chemo and the doctor said there was a 90% chance I was going to loose it... I had decided to donate all of my hair to the local wig bank to help others. So I've posted the before, transition, & finally look for my hair. Well... at least for how ever long I'm blessed to keep it LOL

RIP - my pony tail <3

Right after cut & first coloring

Current Look <3

Turns out the super short hair looks pretty cute & I'm really loving playing with the colors. Also... when you are donating your hair Great Clips will cut your hair for FREE 

<3 They are my go to place 

for now on <3

The "C" word

A couple weeks ago was a normal series of physicals. Doctor appointments, mammograms, & of course the yearly girly check up. For the most part everything was perfect, I'm in better shape then most women 1/2 my age. However there was a some anomalies with my mammogram.

As they sat and explained that I would need a biopsy and that 85% of time it turns out to be nothing more then fatty tissue. I needed the biopsy only because this was my first mammogram, & they needed to document anything unusual. This way next year they know not to worry unless anything changes.

So... last week I went in for my big day. As nervous I was, I still had all the love and support from my family & of course my awesome boyfriend, who took the whole day off just to be with me. The nurses & doctors where awesome and they expanded everything that was going to happen. The doctor preforming the procedure even took the time to pray & put my mine at ease.

Everything went very smoothly. I couldn't have asked for a better team. I was relaxed & for the most part didn't feel a thing. It all was done and over with before I even realized it was even happening. After it was over, they explained that my primary doctor would have the results by the up coming Wednesday. Then I left with my new tiny pillow & three very pretty roses, and had a relaxing day with Michael watching TV & hanging out with him. Over all a great day. Did I mention that he got me the cutest stuff kitty too.

Then the call came early, just this past Monday (not Wednesday). My doctor called and asked me to come in. I asked why & she informed me that it was indeed cancer. My minded is shocked... the dreaded "C" word.  I had just finished working out, so I got dressed and heading in for the fateful meeting with her. She explained that this is a very common form, but still had to get me an appointment with a surgeon ASAP. In just a matter of weeks, I've gone from just a routine of years check-up to OMG - I need a surgeon, collecting doctor's notes for work, talking about possible medical disability.  I NOW have a life threatening object in my body. My mind is in circles & racing out of control. My whole life I've always been for the most part in charge of my destiny, but now I'm not.

Today is going to be appointment with my surgeon. This is the day we will know our options and the course that we will take in order to get over this. I really do know that I'm in God's hands and that he is the one in control. I would be lying if I didn't say that every nerve in my body feels like still exploding with emotion, but I am for the most part trying to stay calm. I also still have the support and love of my family & of Michael. I couldn't ask for a better support team. I will post updates as I get them & as soon as I can.