New in the future of big changes for me.

Driving a crossfire <woot>

Well, it's been a bit over a year since I've made the big jump to be on my own. So much has happened and so many changes in my life and how I feel about things.

When I first moved here, I was afraid that my life and my dreams where just going to disappear. That the important people that I loved would one day just walk away out of my life. I had to life with so many regrets and so many ups and downs from moving. I've had to make new friends and find new interest for my life. The only thing that I was sure of was that I knew I had to develop more as an individual.

Mommy visiting

Since in the time of a year, I've had my heart broken, lost some friends and lost a job that I enjoyed doing. I also have made new friends, got my heart mended, and found a better job that is more rewarding in funds and quality of management. During my times here, I've had one son stay with my for a few weeks, another come visit me, and one that needed a place to stay and still has not to leave yet. LOL I've had family come visit, sometimes for a day and sometimes for a few days. I've started taking up shag dancing, going to wine tastings, and trying to get back into painting again.

I've met an awesome man who never leaves me feeling lost or confused. He encourages me to be strong and independent, but he also never leaves me feeling lacking or unappreciated. He has shown me that I can count on him, but I don't need to. He's shown me that I can make myself happy and in turn I am a happier person to be with. I'm not dependent on being with him, but he is an extension of my happiness that I am so very glad to have in my life.

Now, after a year I've done some pretty hard looking at what I wanted in my life and what I didn't
want. I knew that I've always craved to make sure that I've had a permit fix on my life. For the longest time, I thought that meant that I had to be married in order to feel confident with my future. I've began to realized that wasn't the case at all. In fact it's completely the wrong reason to get married. I still need that feeling of having confidence in my future. So I'm thinking that it was time to make my own step to a permanent future.

New House <bites nails>

I've just made an offer on a 3 bedroom, 1 bath house in a quite little town. It's about the half way point between where I am now and where my awesome boyfriend is living. Which is also where my shag club meets for dancing LOL. The house is pretty dated and really needs a lot of upgrades in the looks department. I'm really hoping that this is what God has planed for me. The structure of the home is very sound and the roof looks to be in very good condition. I'm extremely exited of my new venture in my future. It's the first real step that I've taken in walking away from my past and stepping into the light of a new life. A life that is about me growing a person and as an independent.

Working out, Growing, Cooking, and Decorating.

There has been so much going on lately. Lets start with I've decided to lose a bit (shit tons) of weight. I've started cutting out the sodas, sweets, and starches. I've finally decided to join a gym. Been going about 3 times a week. So far I've lost about 5 lbs. I know the first 5 is easy, the second is harder and the rest takes for ever. Hoping that I have what it takes to stick to it. However this is the first time that I'm doing this for me. Every times before I was doing it cause I thought that it would make someone love me more. Or I thought that maybe if I was pretty enough I would be appreciated more. I now know that these things are no longer important. I'm going to look and feel awesome, cause I want to. Because I want to look in the mirror and say "looking good".

Had to go though a bit of a rough patch. Some how fell back into my old ways of paranoia. I got super worried and upset over some pictures that my boyfriend liked. At first I was afraid to talk to him about it. In the past I was lead to believe that being paranoid was something that I was aloud to feel. After sometime, I broke down (more like bald my eyes out) and told him what I was feeling. He know of my past and how rough that I had it. He reassured me that they are friends of the family, but it wont be happening again. He told me that I was just as important to him, as his kids and that he loved me so very much. His words calmed me and made me realize that I was so silly to think that this awesome man would do anything to hurt me. He is truly one of a kind and no one has ever respected or loved me more then he does right now.

Over this past weekend was our one year anniversary of dating. To be honest with my up and down emotions I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to ever trust someone again. He has shown time and time again that he loves me and that he would never hurt me. He is there when I need him, even on the first time I took an anxious pill and got super sick. He rushed over and sat with me all night. Every morning he texts me good morning beautiful. He takes the time to check on me and show me how much he cares for me. Now that the year has pasted, I can't imagine my life with out him. I learned how to make Chicken Cordon Blue (one of his favs) for out dinner. I will have to say that it came out awesome. Lots of work but it was worth it, he's worth it <3 <3 <3

Continuing on awesome boyfriend stuff. He is letting me decorate his game room. I feel so trusted and accepted into his life with this. He letting me paint the room and even add a graphic on the wall behind the new futon. I'm very excited to see how it all comes out. We are making the room light blue, with black and gray. Picked out a shelving unit that holds most of the systems plus the TV. Got a fairly comfy couch, that will fold out to a bed. Hoping to find an area rug, new curtains and top it off with gaming/music art. Not to mention, his Opus collection LOL

Family, Friends, and Drinking...

Finally got to hit up the monthly wine tasting in town. Must say that it was pretty awesome. Being the new person, I didn't know anyone, so I did like any healthy person does, I clinged to the attendent serving the wine. It was his first time serving that venue, so we where both noobies. However I'm looking forward to next month, and maybe I might talk to someone else. LOL

After wine tasting, my son and I met up with my friends at the Cressent Moom Cafe. Found a bartender that took the time to make my a Lifesaver drink. If you like sweet drinks then you will love this. Every time I have one, it still takes me back to the day a bartender introducded me to it. That was an awesome night, and such a long time ago.

Anyways as it turns out the band that we came to see wasn't playing that night. So we took off the the Iron Thunder Saloon. It's a biker bar, as it's location is right next to the Harly Davidson Bike Dealership. The waitresses are dressed slutty, and the band was awesome, and my friends are even better. Have to say, I also enjoyed having my son hang out with us.

We didn't stay as long as we liked, having work and all that adulting stuff we have to do. But it was a great time by all.

Where will you be standing?

This morning I woke to a thought. It really started manifesting during the morning as I'm doing my usual Facebook browsing.  The amount of hate and division going on between the people I care about is awful.  I have a very wide variety of people on my friends list to say the least. Some are gay, bi, and straight. I have blacks, whites, and orientals.  There are Wickens, Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, and Atheist.  Some are old, middle aged, young, and even children. If I've left anyone out, I do apologize.

I personally am the white, middle aged, straight, Christian, female.  I have my beliefs and I have my opinion on those beliefs.  Just as my friends have on theirs.  But no matter what I feel or believe, I care about all my friends and family the same. I may not feel the same way they do and I may not support the same things they do.  However it will never change how I care of all of them.

The real thing that is weighing on my heart today is... Where are we heading as people? I truly feel that no matter who wins the election, the world as we know it will change.  And it won’t change for the good.  Everything that is happening, not just in the US, but around the whole world, is leading to the end times.  I don’t understand the debate about restrooms and transgenders.  Will the world really get better if we raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour?  The future seems very bleak to me.

The hate, the crimes, and wars are all leading us down a predestined path. I know, I know, here we go with a preachy talk of the end times. Regardless if anyone choose to accept it, it is still going to happen. Do I know when? No. Do I know how? Sadly no. I really need to brush up on my Revelations again.

What I do know is that when it happens where will you as a person stand.  Will you be standing on the side of man.  Will you be supporting the way of man and his ways.  Or, will you be standing on the side of God.  Supporting his way and his standings.  The way of man is always changing.  It's always evolving to cater to the will of the population.  Standing for what may be popular, but may not be right.  God's will has never changed.  His laws and guides for life have never changed.

When is comes down to it in the end, as much as I love all my friends, I am hoping to be strong enough to choose God's way.  As much as I want all my friend safe and happy, it comes down to our own personal eternal lives.  The only thing I can hope is that everyone will turn and stand with me.  I hate the idea of leaving anyone behind.  But it's a personal decision, and can only be made by each person.  Just always know, no matter what you believe in, or where you stand, I will always care for everyone that means so much to me.

My mom reminded me of Revelation 3:15-16
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Where will you be standing?

Still the Same Ole Me

Pretty busy weekend happened, but there seemed to be some day-ja-voes that occurs in my life. There was a pretty big car show over the weekend. My boyfriend is part a Regatta Buck car club. So of course we where going.

We spent Friday afternoon, looking around the salvage yard. Trying to find a missing part for my son. Did find the part, but I always life a good tressure hunt anyways. I get the idea that I'm surviving a post apocalyptic time. I'm keeping an out for bad people, or zombies, while my awesome boyfriend is hunting parts that we need to survive.

After heading out and getting my son back home from his job, I'm heading back to help my boyfriend get his car ready for the show. I'm not very helpful in most things, so I asked if he wanted to have his water. I had to stop and giggle when I caught myself tapping the glass to make the ice float. Something that he doesn't care about, but it's something that I have gotten a custom to doing.

The car show was pretty awesome. I don't know much about cars, but I felt it's important to support the people who you care about. It was sooooo freezing. I stupidly left my hoodie at the house. All I had was a sweater and the club gave us tee-shirts. While walking the track, my awesome boyfriend put me in his over shirt. Now all he had on was a short sleeve button down :( After a bit, I could tell he was getting colder, so I told him I was hot and gave him back his shirt. By the end of the event, I had a wind burn, that still bothers me now LOL

Looking at cars, deciding what car to buy. Agreeing with all his picks. Of course only if he agreed to let me drive them too. After all, who am I to discourage him from his dreams. Specially after we win and lottery and are rich. We will have the car, the house and even a barn for a horse. ~.^ It's fun to think about getting what you want, even if in reality you don't.

Later that night, I was sore, burnt, and my foot that's been bothering me was hurting. He knew I was in pain, but I wouldn't give in and tell him. He knows that I don't want people to worry about me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's cause I don't want to think that people feel sorry for me. Or, think that people only care cause I'm weak or in pain. I don't want to be needy.

Sunday, he went to have dinner with his family. I choose to stay at the house. He had asked me to make his sandwiches for work. Of course I would. Got the sandwiches made, watched some TV and then waited from him to come home. After he showered, we watched a movie and then I went home.

I find myself doing the same things over and over again. Pretending to be in my fantasy worlds, tapping the ice off the bottom of a glass of water. Fetching water, food and walking in the cold to be with and make someone happy. I'm not complaining, I'm just seeing a pattern of giving and doing what ever it takes to help someone I love. 

I just don't want make the same mistakes again.

Bits and Pieces, Ups and Downs

This past week or so has been pretty up and down.  My son & my boyfriend's son have been working on a car together. I always have hopes of them becoming friends, & doing more together. Turns out, I don't think he is found of my son. At least when it's over, my son will hopefully have a working car.

April 1st was the start of the Cruse Inn car show. It's a show where locals go to hang out with there classic cars. It pretty much happens around this burger & shake shop. They have a DJ, raffle drawing, & in general a fun crowd. My boyfriend loves to bring his cars. Plus it's fun watching him show off a bit.

Out of the blue, my awesome guy got me a tablet. He always knew I wanted one. We walk around a pawn shop after having TCBY. After we left, on or way to the music store, he surprised me with it. Even now it can feel strange to feel important to someone. I keep thinking it's a dream & one day my life will be back to the way it was.

It's been a rough weekend at work. It seems that everyone always have this feeling of entitlement. So here's my rant...
     No... It is not my responsibility to have your coupons. If I happen to have one, then fine, if not, look them up your self.
     It is not my problem if you wait till the day your bill is due. Nor can I control if my computers are down all over the store.
     Being nasty or mean to me or my co-workers will not help your case. If anything I will put you at the bottom of my priorities.

Also, I seem to have messed up one of my ankles. It's swollen, and hurts if it turns a bit. Not sure what happened or what I can do about it. Will have to wait and keep an eye on it <sigh>

On an up note my garden seems to be doing good. I'm looking forward to the car show this Saturday. Plus, when my son gets his car, he and I will have a bit more freedom.

Hope everyone has 
a wonderful day <3

There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.