There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.

Photo's, Gardening, Food and Movies

Some of my Photographs

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lots been happening. I am wanting to get a bit back into photography. So... me and boyfriend went out and I snaped some pics. So much to relearn about taking picture, but I sure did have a blast. We stoped by a place to check about some car work. There was some really awesome cars. Then later that day we went to the Greenway and took a walk. The day was perfect and I got some really great shots. You can see more of my shots on my Photobucket account. This seemed to be the easiest way to get them up in one spot. Of course some will be on my face book. After all if it's not in social media, then it never happened LOL

GARDENING

Start of my Veggie Garden

I've also started a container garden. Just a little one with only 3 vegtables. Garden Beans, Spinach, and Lettus. This is just the start, so there is no telling how well this will work out. Growing veggies is somthing I've always wanted to, but until now I didn't really have the means to do it. Living on my own means not really worrying what anyone else thinks if my ideas are stupid. LOL

 

WELCOME TO MOE'S

Heading out to Moe's

Moe's Southwestern Grill has finally come to our town. I remember when I moved here, how much I would miss going there. Every once awhile, it was nice to have a totally yummy lunch that is completely filling and the atmosphere is awesome. Don't mind me looking absolutely horrible. We had the top down and I'm completely wind blown. All I need now is a Genghis Grill and I think my food life will be set <yummy>

THE MOVIES

When to go see 10 Cloverfield Lane. How is describe this movie and say what it's about isn't really possible. The only thing I can say is that it gives plot twist a whole new meaning . Go see it, I really loved this movie and hope that they come out with more.

and.... of course seeing the Warcraft Movie poster made me giggle like a school girl. I've only been waiting for 5 years for this movie to come out. I feel like my heart is just gonna burst if June 10th doesn't get here faster.

Over all everything is going pretty good. I've lots to do and even though I can have bad days. I have to say that my goods day way out do them. I'm looking so forward to the future and I feel that I have so many opportunities ahead of me.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

The constellation prize

 

 For so many years, seems like most of my life. I usually hated driving home. Living in a life where no matter what I did, I was never anyone's priority. Coming home to a husband or boyfriend that didn't seem to care if I was there or not. My children who for the most part didn't want to have much to do with me. Other then the when is dinner and can you get... for me. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice. Someone to say out of all of there picks, they pick me.

I was married to a man that drank too much. He was for the most part a loving husband and father to his children. I hated the idea that he was wasted every night and for the most part passed out too early to enjoy his time with family after work. When he stopped drink, it was like being with a whole new person. He was caring, loving and had energy to do things with his kids and me. Our love life bloomed and I had fallen in love with him all over again. However that only lasted 3 months. I begged him to stop, I offered to get him other things to drink. He could not put me or his family over his addiction to beer. 

Soon after we separated and then divorced, I started to date. Was seeing a wonderful man who I had though was worth spending my life with. However I spent most of the time feeling like a shadow to his wife. She had pasted after a long fight with liver disease. It seemed that he was trying to make me more into like his late wife. Changed the cigarettes that I smoked, requesting to change how I do my hair. Spent so much time listening to how happy he was with her. How does a person live up to a dead woman. He moved away, leaving with very little warning. I felt life no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, I was not good enough to make him happy.

After on and off relationship, I met my last husband in a game that I was playing. Feeling broken and lost, I felt that he would have been the best that I could do as a future. After all we had a common liking of playing the same game. Turns out that when it came time to choose between game time or family time. Once again I was left in second place. He refused to seriously look for work and milked his unemployment so he could game more. After some time and when the unemployment ran out we separated cause on my part time minimum wage job, I could not support his large eating habits.

Back to being in relationship that either I was someone second choice cause they could have who they really wanted. Or I had to wait my turn till game time was over. My self esteem was so low that by this point, I was happy to be someone's second choice in life. Feeling like I wasn't worth being put first in anyone's life. 

It took me a long time to finally stand up and on my own and learn that I was important. 

Maybe not to my husbands, or my boyfriends... but to me. 

I now live on my own and hold down my own apartment. I dance when I have time with my shag dancing club. Still trying to find time to get to the wine tasting that is once a month. Just can't seem to coordinate my times. I've gotten back into panting, refurbishing furniture, making candles and over all setting time a side for me. My years of being a constellation prize or someone's regret or second choice is slowly becoming a memory that one day may be forgiven and forgotten. Slowly my brokeness is fading and not becuse I've relied on a man, but because I'm working on relying on me.

I have an addiction

I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I'm not hooked on prescription medication and outside of lotto tickets, I'm not addicted to gambling. 

I have what some call codependency. 

Lets review some of the things that make people Codependent here now: Codependency affects people in a variety of ways. Common characteristics of Codependents include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
• Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
• Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
• Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
• Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
• Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration 

 Taken from interventiontreatmentrecovery.org

It makes it very difficult to move on and away from toxic people. Many times it can bring about depression, and anxiety. I feel sad when I can't be with the people I care about most. There are times that I can't breath when I can't get hold of someone. Even after a wonderful weekend with a loved one, I can get anxious or extremely sad of the thought of going home. Forget the thought of not talking to, seeing or being in contact with someone one from the past hurts more then the fight or break up. I have always aloud people to walk on me, use me, accepted there rudeness in life. This was all in the fear that I would rather be miserable, then to be with out people who where just not good to have in my life. I still have a problem getting all my feelings out in the open. Scared of rejection, persecution or worst someone walking out of my life again.

With counseling, medication, good friends and family, I've been able to work more independently with out needing someones attention 24/7. I've taken up painting, refurbished furniture, learning how to shag dance and now taking an interest in blogging. I have gotten into the practice of hanging out with other people. Working on spending time with other people, unusually turns out that I enjoy myself very much once my anxiety calms down.

Even though my first instinct is to only be with my boyfriend. That was a past mistake that I had made more then once in my life. Finally learned that no one can make me happy, but me. When I'm in control of my feelings, then I become a more valued person to be around. Not cause they feel the need to help me, but because I'm truly an awesome person to hang out with.

Comic Con and Deadpool and court

THURSDAY/FRIDAY - VISIT MOM, COURT DATE

Weekend was awesome. It started early cause <sigh> I had gotten a traffic ticket around Christmas. They got me doing 70 in a 55. Since then, I have learned that cruse control will help with this silly problem of speeding. LOL Anyhow... court was fast and easy. Then gave me a reduction and sent me on my way. One of the good parts about this is that I had to good to Franklin to court. This is where my mommy lives and of course I love seeing her. After court, we went to the Motor Co. Grill for a very yummy lunch. Then spent the rest of a day visiting and enjoy seeing her. After dinner at mom's I started heading back to my part of the state. I had promised my son that I would take him to the Morganton Comic Con.

SATURDAY - COMIC CON & MOVIES

Off to the Comic Con with my son Christian and boyfriend Michael. I don't really read comics, so I'm not that up to date on the lore. However I do love seeing all the cos players. For some reason just being there give me a feeling of how everyone has come together with like mines and no judgements. That if you feel you can be falcon, then you can go ahead and be falcon. It's truly hard to explain, but it's just awesome seeing everyone having fun and being who ever they want to be. Plus my friend is always there... he is the no other Deadpool of Hickory. Yea, he's kind of a big deal along with Spiderman of Morganton.


What's a better way to finish off the day then finally going to see the movie Deadpool. Which by the way is awesome. Most certainly not for kids. LOL I must have spent the whole movie laughing my ass off. Sometimes at things that maybe I shouldn't have O.o The only thing that I enjoyed more then the movie was sitting with my boyfriend the whole time. There is something that makes everything better have someone with you that you can trust and be your true self with.

SUNDAY IS REST DAY

Sunday was an awesome day a relaxing and getting started on enjoying the up coming spring weather. With it being a perfectly beautiful day my boyfriend decided to fire up the grill and cook some burgers. Of course he did an awesome job and they where so very yummy. After that we spent sometime cleaning out the garage, getting stuff ready for spring gardening and making sure the bike was working. We spent time watching shows, talking about stuff to plan this spring and summer.

After resting and enjoying the day, we met up with his family to have dinner at a very nice Mexican restaurant. Turns out that his niece had won her soccer game and the kids where having a fun time. I love hanging out and being with people and they have gone over the call of duty to make me feel welcomed into there family. I don't think that I could have asked for a better life.

THOUGHTS OF THE WEEKEND

It's funny how one day you can think that everything is never gonna change, Then one day, you finally get brave enough to take matters into your own hand. You decided that now is the time that what you feel and want is important. It's now time to find that someone that follows the same path that you do. The same person that loves and accepts who you are and understands that you are a priority and going out of his way to make sure you know that. This is how I've always wanted my life to be. Full of family friends and events to make memories. I really owe most of my courage to my boyfriend, and family. They push and couxe me in a way to be independent. This is so that my spending time with loved ones isn't out of need, but out of want.

Trust

What is there to say about it that hasn't been said before. It's such a fragile thing and so easy to shred. When built up it can enrich lives and strengthen relationships. When taken away it can destroy a life, and respect that people have. Not just for the person that they lost the trust in, but in just about everyday life. Once it's gone, there could be a life time trying to earn it back.


There have been times that I was not a trust worthy person. I have lied and I have been less then a friend to the people I cared about. Maybe that is why that I had felt that when the person that I trusted most broke my trust in them. Or maybe it was the thought that since I was so untrusted, that I didn't deserve a trusting friend. So my paranoia and suspicions pushed them away, & caused them to break my heart.

I have lost friends, loved ones, people who I thought I had forever. People who could no longer be there because I at that time was not a good friend to them. Love should not be unconditional, and it isn't. Our friends and loved ones are not our puppies, who will forgive us no matter what. We should always know that what we have is fragile and should never be taken for granite. As fast as we can lie to someone, that someone can walk out that door.

Today in my current life, I'm blessed with friends, family, and an awesome boyfriend, who is probably the most honest person that I have ever met. Even when he tells me something that I may not like, I trust that he will always be open with me. This didn't happen right away, but with help and time, I am learning to trust in people again. I have given him my heart and I am trusting that he will take very special care of it.

Do I miss my old friends, and loved ones? Of course I do. My mom said that when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them. Whether it's past relations, lost family, or that best friend from school. You learn to live life with out them, but you will always miss them. I hope that in my future endeavors I've learned from my past. Hope that I can be a better friend, a better daughter, mother, and Aunt to all that I love. Striving one day, that someone will want to call me his wife. With that I of course hope to be a better wife to this person.

They say that perfection in unrealistic. I would like to think that "trying" for it isn't