Where will you be standing?

This morning I woke to a thought. It really started manifesting during the morning as I'm doing my usual Facebook browsing.  The amount of hate and division going on between the people I care about is awful.  I have a very wide variety of people on my friends list to say the least. Some are gay, bi, and straight. I have blacks, whites, and orientals.  There are Wickens, Christians, Jehovah Witnesses, and Atheist.  Some are old, middle aged, young, and even children. If I've left anyone out, I do apologize.

I personally am the white, middle aged, straight, Christian, female.  I have my beliefs and I have my opinion on those beliefs.  Just as my friends have on theirs.  But no matter what I feel or believe, I care about all my friends and family the same. I may not feel the same way they do and I may not support the same things they do.  However it will never change how I care of all of them.

The real thing that is weighing on my heart today is... Where are we heading as people? I truly feel that no matter who wins the election, the world as we know it will change.  And it won’t change for the good.  Everything that is happening, not just in the US, but around the whole world, is leading to the end times.  I don’t understand the debate about restrooms and transgenders.  Will the world really get better if we raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour?  The future seems very bleak to me.

The hate, the crimes, and wars are all leading us down a predestined path. I know, I know, here we go with a preachy talk of the end times. Regardless if anyone choose to accept it, it is still going to happen. Do I know when? No. Do I know how? Sadly no. I really need to brush up on my Revelations again.

What I do know is that when it happens where will you as a person stand.  Will you be standing on the side of man.  Will you be supporting the way of man and his ways.  Or, will you be standing on the side of God.  Supporting his way and his standings.  The way of man is always changing.  It's always evolving to cater to the will of the population.  Standing for what may be popular, but may not be right.  God's will has never changed.  His laws and guides for life have never changed.

When is comes down to it in the end, as much as I love all my friends, I am hoping to be strong enough to choose God's way.  As much as I want all my friend safe and happy, it comes down to our own personal eternal lives.  The only thing I can hope is that everyone will turn and stand with me.  I hate the idea of leaving anyone behind.  But it's a personal decision, and can only be made by each person.  Just always know, no matter what you believe in, or where you stand, I will always care for everyone that means so much to me.

My mom reminded me of Revelation 3:15-16
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Where will you be standing?

Still the Same Ole Me

Pretty busy weekend happened, but there seemed to be some day-ja-voes that occurs in my life. There was a pretty big car show over the weekend. My boyfriend is part a Regatta Buck car club. So of course we where going.

We spent Friday afternoon, looking around the salvage yard. Trying to find a missing part for my son. Did find the part, but I always life a good tressure hunt anyways. I get the idea that I'm surviving a post apocalyptic time. I'm keeping an out for bad people, or zombies, while my awesome boyfriend is hunting parts that we need to survive.

After heading out and getting my son back home from his job, I'm heading back to help my boyfriend get his car ready for the show. I'm not very helpful in most things, so I asked if he wanted to have his water. I had to stop and giggle when I caught myself tapping the glass to make the ice float. Something that he doesn't care about, but it's something that I have gotten a custom to doing.

The car show was pretty awesome. I don't know much about cars, but I felt it's important to support the people who you care about. It was sooooo freezing. I stupidly left my hoodie at the house. All I had was a sweater and the club gave us tee-shirts. While walking the track, my awesome boyfriend put me in his over shirt. Now all he had on was a short sleeve button down :( After a bit, I could tell he was getting colder, so I told him I was hot and gave him back his shirt. By the end of the event, I had a wind burn, that still bothers me now LOL

Looking at cars, deciding what car to buy. Agreeing with all his picks. Of course only if he agreed to let me drive them too. After all, who am I to discourage him from his dreams. Specially after we win and lottery and are rich. We will have the car, the house and even a barn for a horse. ~.^ It's fun to think about getting what you want, even if in reality you don't.

Later that night, I was sore, burnt, and my foot that's been bothering me was hurting. He knew I was in pain, but I wouldn't give in and tell him. He knows that I don't want people to worry about me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's cause I don't want to think that people feel sorry for me. Or, think that people only care cause I'm weak or in pain. I don't want to be needy.

Sunday, he went to have dinner with his family. I choose to stay at the house. He had asked me to make his sandwiches for work. Of course I would. Got the sandwiches made, watched some TV and then waited from him to come home. After he showered, we watched a movie and then I went home.

I find myself doing the same things over and over again. Pretending to be in my fantasy worlds, tapping the ice off the bottom of a glass of water. Fetching water, food and walking in the cold to be with and make someone happy. I'm not complaining, I'm just seeing a pattern of giving and doing what ever it takes to help someone I love. 

I just don't want make the same mistakes again.

Bits and Pieces, Ups and Downs

This past week or so has been pretty up and down.  My son & my boyfriend's son have been working on a car together. I always have hopes of them becoming friends, & doing more together. Turns out, I don't think he is found of my son. At least when it's over, my son will hopefully have a working car.

April 1st was the start of the Cruse Inn car show. It's a show where locals go to hang out with there classic cars. It pretty much happens around this burger & shake shop. They have a DJ, raffle drawing, & in general a fun crowd. My boyfriend loves to bring his cars. Plus it's fun watching him show off a bit.

Out of the blue, my awesome guy got me a tablet. He always knew I wanted one. We walk around a pawn shop after having TCBY. After we left, on or way to the music store, he surprised me with it. Even now it can feel strange to feel important to someone. I keep thinking it's a dream & one day my life will be back to the way it was.

It's been a rough weekend at work. It seems that everyone always have this feeling of entitlement. So here's my rant...
     No... It is not my responsibility to have your coupons. If I happen to have one, then fine, if not, look them up your self.
     It is not my problem if you wait till the day your bill is due. Nor can I control if my computers are down all over the store.
     Being nasty or mean to me or my co-workers will not help your case. If anything I will put you at the bottom of my priorities.

Also, I seem to have messed up one of my ankles. It's swollen, and hurts if it turns a bit. Not sure what happened or what I can do about it. Will have to wait and keep an eye on it <sigh>

On an up note my garden seems to be doing good. I'm looking forward to the car show this Saturday. Plus, when my son gets his car, he and I will have a bit more freedom.

Hope everyone has 
a wonderful day <3

There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.

Photo's, Gardening, Food and Movies

Some of my Photographs

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lots been happening. I am wanting to get a bit back into photography. So... me and boyfriend went out and I snaped some pics. So much to relearn about taking picture, but I sure did have a blast. We stoped by a place to check about some car work. There was some really awesome cars. Then later that day we went to the Greenway and took a walk. The day was perfect and I got some really great shots. You can see more of my shots on my Photobucket account. This seemed to be the easiest way to get them up in one spot. Of course some will be on my face book. After all if it's not in social media, then it never happened LOL

GARDENING

Start of my Veggie Garden

I've also started a container garden. Just a little one with only 3 vegtables. Garden Beans, Spinach, and Lettus. This is just the start, so there is no telling how well this will work out. Growing veggies is somthing I've always wanted to, but until now I didn't really have the means to do it. Living on my own means not really worrying what anyone else thinks if my ideas are stupid. LOL

 

WELCOME TO MOE'S

Heading out to Moe's

Moe's Southwestern Grill has finally come to our town. I remember when I moved here, how much I would miss going there. Every once awhile, it was nice to have a totally yummy lunch that is completely filling and the atmosphere is awesome. Don't mind me looking absolutely horrible. We had the top down and I'm completely wind blown. All I need now is a Genghis Grill and I think my food life will be set <yummy>

THE MOVIES

When to go see 10 Cloverfield Lane. How is describe this movie and say what it's about isn't really possible. The only thing I can say is that it gives plot twist a whole new meaning . Go see it, I really loved this movie and hope that they come out with more.

and.... of course seeing the Warcraft Movie poster made me giggle like a school girl. I've only been waiting for 5 years for this movie to come out. I feel like my heart is just gonna burst if June 10th doesn't get here faster.

Over all everything is going pretty good. I've lots to do and even though I can have bad days. I have to say that my goods day way out do them. I'm looking so forward to the future and I feel that I have so many opportunities ahead of me.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

The constellation prize

 

 For so many years, seems like most of my life. I usually hated driving home. Living in a life where no matter what I did, I was never anyone's priority. Coming home to a husband or boyfriend that didn't seem to care if I was there or not. My children who for the most part didn't want to have much to do with me. Other then the when is dinner and can you get... for me. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice. Someone to say out of all of there picks, they pick me.

I was married to a man that drank too much. He was for the most part a loving husband and father to his children. I hated the idea that he was wasted every night and for the most part passed out too early to enjoy his time with family after work. When he stopped drink, it was like being with a whole new person. He was caring, loving and had energy to do things with his kids and me. Our love life bloomed and I had fallen in love with him all over again. However that only lasted 3 months. I begged him to stop, I offered to get him other things to drink. He could not put me or his family over his addiction to beer. 

Soon after we separated and then divorced, I started to date. Was seeing a wonderful man who I had though was worth spending my life with. However I spent most of the time feeling like a shadow to his wife. She had pasted after a long fight with liver disease. It seemed that he was trying to make me more into like his late wife. Changed the cigarettes that I smoked, requesting to change how I do my hair. Spent so much time listening to how happy he was with her. How does a person live up to a dead woman. He moved away, leaving with very little warning. I felt life no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, I was not good enough to make him happy.

After on and off relationship, I met my last husband in a game that I was playing. Feeling broken and lost, I felt that he would have been the best that I could do as a future. After all we had a common liking of playing the same game. Turns out that when it came time to choose between game time or family time. Once again I was left in second place. He refused to seriously look for work and milked his unemployment so he could game more. After some time and when the unemployment ran out we separated cause on my part time minimum wage job, I could not support his large eating habits.

Back to being in relationship that either I was someone second choice cause they could have who they really wanted. Or I had to wait my turn till game time was over. My self esteem was so low that by this point, I was happy to be someone's second choice in life. Feeling like I wasn't worth being put first in anyone's life. 

It took me a long time to finally stand up and on my own and learn that I was important. 

Maybe not to my husbands, or my boyfriends... but to me. 

I now live on my own and hold down my own apartment. I dance when I have time with my shag dancing club. Still trying to find time to get to the wine tasting that is once a month. Just can't seem to coordinate my times. I've gotten back into panting, refurbishing furniture, making candles and over all setting time a side for me. My years of being a constellation prize or someone's regret or second choice is slowly becoming a memory that one day may be forgiven and forgotten. Slowly my brokeness is fading and not becuse I've relied on a man, but because I'm working on relying on me.