There is a path...

So much is happening and it seems to be happening all the time. Change and growth keep surrounding me like a beautiful forest.

In the past couple weeks I was able to cook dinner for my friend. What was supposed to be a simple dinner for 6-7 turned into a dinner for 11 people. Surprisingly I was able to change up my menu and make a second dessert to make this happen. I served up taco lasagna, with brown rice and black beans. Add a salad and tortilla chips with chili cheese dip. She had wanted a lemon cake, so I made that and added chocolate cup cakes. Everything was pretty good, and everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Easter was completely amazing. I got to spend time with my family this year. It's a bit of a long drive, but so worth it. I always enjoy seeing my Mom, Dad and my nieces and there families. Not to mention everyone else. Way too many people to mention. Mom made lunch for about 16 people. (and I thought my dinner party was big). 

I'm also learning that you can't rely on people when you need them. I need to count on me and just me. Multiple times I've tried and needed a friend and they where no where to be found. Just out busy living & enjoying life. Finding out that I'm just not as high on their priority list as I thought I was. I staked way too much of my heart in a one sided friendship. It's not really there fault, it's mine for thinking that we where more then what we where. It's time that I realized who and where my truest friends are. If it turns out that there are none, then I need to be ok with that. In the end it doesn't matter, I'm the one that controls my happiness and the out come of my life. It's time that I become the one too bust living and enjoying life for a change.

Now currently, I'm working on more changes and working though the path of the forest. I would like to loose weight and get more of my self confidence back. I now that you shouldn't base your confidence on your appearance, but however, who wouldn't want to look better naked. I'm  hoping to be successful in my container garden. Would like to be a bit more organized and more independent. I love being with my boyfriend, but need to make sure that I'm not depending on him for my happiness.

On that note, I will hopefully be going to the museum today. I love looking at art and I love the quite atmosphere of being in one. As an added bonus, my love said that he will be going with me. I do have a admit, even though I'm working on this independent thing... life is much more enjoyable when he is around.

Photo's, Gardening, Food and Movies

Some of my Photographs

PHOTOGRAPHY

Lots been happening. I am wanting to get a bit back into photography. So... me and boyfriend went out and I snaped some pics. So much to relearn about taking picture, but I sure did have a blast. We stoped by a place to check about some car work. There was some really awesome cars. Then later that day we went to the Greenway and took a walk. The day was perfect and I got some really great shots. You can see more of my shots on my Photobucket account. This seemed to be the easiest way to get them up in one spot. Of course some will be on my face book. After all if it's not in social media, then it never happened LOL

GARDENING

Start of my Veggie Garden

I've also started a container garden. Just a little one with only 3 vegtables. Garden Beans, Spinach, and Lettus. This is just the start, so there is no telling how well this will work out. Growing veggies is somthing I've always wanted to, but until now I didn't really have the means to do it. Living on my own means not really worrying what anyone else thinks if my ideas are stupid. LOL

 

WELCOME TO MOE'S

Heading out to Moe's

Moe's Southwestern Grill has finally come to our town. I remember when I moved here, how much I would miss going there. Every once awhile, it was nice to have a totally yummy lunch that is completely filling and the atmosphere is awesome. Don't mind me looking absolutely horrible. We had the top down and I'm completely wind blown. All I need now is a Genghis Grill and I think my food life will be set <yummy>

THE MOVIES

When to go see 10 Cloverfield Lane. How is describe this movie and say what it's about isn't really possible. The only thing I can say is that it gives plot twist a whole new meaning . Go see it, I really loved this movie and hope that they come out with more.

and.... of course seeing the Warcraft Movie poster made me giggle like a school girl. I've only been waiting for 5 years for this movie to come out. I feel like my heart is just gonna burst if June 10th doesn't get here faster.

Over all everything is going pretty good. I've lots to do and even though I can have bad days. I have to say that my goods day way out do them. I'm looking so forward to the future and I feel that I have so many opportunities ahead of me.

Has it been a year already?

March 8th 2015 I moved to Hickory, NC. I was looking to get help with my depression and try to find a better me. In the beginning is was to try and be a better person in order to make my boyfriend happy. Oh boy has there been so many changes in my life.

The first that I tackled was getting a grip on my emotions. If I had a nickel for every time I've had an emotional break down... lets say I would be way be set with money LOL. I looked into counseling and learned that my steam of depression was my co-dependence on my boyfriend. I had been living in constant fear of him leaving, or cheating and lieing to me. We never had the trust that was needed for a healthy relationship. He would talk with other girls and I lived with the paranoia that drove me to things I though I would never do. Re sorting all the way to key logging his computer to find out about all the date sites he would hit up. To say the least we did break up in order to try to salvage what was left of a sanity.


For the longest time I also hated and feared the idea of being alone. This was the first time I was ever living completely alone. My closest family would be hours away and all my kids where grown and living on there own. It was just me, the dog, and the cat. After a few weeks of adjustment, it turns out I like to live alone. The is something solitude about not having to cook a dinner, or have to be home for someone. If I want popcorn for dinner... then that is what I'm having. LOL

Being alone gave me time to discover working on furniture, water color painting, shag dancing, and just taking time out for me. I no longer had to fight fro attention from a game. I no longer had to whine for personal time with someone who was supposed to care for me. It was about this time that I was finding out that I was all I needed to make ME happy.

Eventually I did have to resort to medication in order to keep my emotions in check. They have helped in a major way when I have down moments. Times when I fall back to old feelings of worthlessness and unwantedness. (not sure if that is a real word lol)

Jumping to the current now, cause this is already getting way to long >.<

I have changed jobs being here. I went from a job the I was not appreciated or respected, to a job where everyone is pleasant and seems generally happy to have me around. To go from a job where you threaten if you didn't meet there goals, to a job that encourages are rewards you for doing your best.

I am now seeing an awesome man, who I feel loves me truly. He is honest, open and really holds nothing back from me. He has shown that in everything he does. I never have to fight for attention, I never feel unimportant, most of all, he has never made me feel worthless.

It took me a bit of time to trust someone again. I was still fighting my inner demons of past relationships. There where times that I had to force myself to say... he is and never was like others from the past. I now feel that trust and love him 100%. I feel comfortable giving him my heart and knowing that he keeps it safe. For the first time in what seems forever I may finally have a future with someone that I can see a long term life with.
 
As much that I'm happy with him, he is not the center of my happiness. I still struggle with co-dependency, so I always try to focus on making myself happy. I have learned that the best way to be the best for someone else, is the be the best for yourself.

None of us know what the future will hold, but at least now I feel like I can take it on. I will be fine, no matter what happens in life.

The constellation prize

 

 For so many years, seems like most of my life. I usually hated driving home. Living in a life where no matter what I did, I was never anyone's priority. Coming home to a husband or boyfriend that didn't seem to care if I was there or not. My children who for the most part didn't want to have much to do with me. Other then the when is dinner and can you get... for me. All I ever wanted was to be someone's first choice. Someone to say out of all of there picks, they pick me.

I was married to a man that drank too much. He was for the most part a loving husband and father to his children. I hated the idea that he was wasted every night and for the most part passed out too early to enjoy his time with family after work. When he stopped drink, it was like being with a whole new person. He was caring, loving and had energy to do things with his kids and me. Our love life bloomed and I had fallen in love with him all over again. However that only lasted 3 months. I begged him to stop, I offered to get him other things to drink. He could not put me or his family over his addiction to beer. 

Soon after we separated and then divorced, I started to date. Was seeing a wonderful man who I had though was worth spending my life with. However I spent most of the time feeling like a shadow to his wife. She had pasted after a long fight with liver disease. It seemed that he was trying to make me more into like his late wife. Changed the cigarettes that I smoked, requesting to change how I do my hair. Spent so much time listening to how happy he was with her. How does a person live up to a dead woman. He moved away, leaving with very little warning. I felt life no matter how hard I tried to be what he wanted, I was not good enough to make him happy.

After on and off relationship, I met my last husband in a game that I was playing. Feeling broken and lost, I felt that he would have been the best that I could do as a future. After all we had a common liking of playing the same game. Turns out that when it came time to choose between game time or family time. Once again I was left in second place. He refused to seriously look for work and milked his unemployment so he could game more. After some time and when the unemployment ran out we separated cause on my part time minimum wage job, I could not support his large eating habits.

Back to being in relationship that either I was someone second choice cause they could have who they really wanted. Or I had to wait my turn till game time was over. My self esteem was so low that by this point, I was happy to be someone's second choice in life. Feeling like I wasn't worth being put first in anyone's life. 

It took me a long time to finally stand up and on my own and learn that I was important. 

Maybe not to my husbands, or my boyfriends... but to me. 

I now live on my own and hold down my own apartment. I dance when I have time with my shag dancing club. Still trying to find time to get to the wine tasting that is once a month. Just can't seem to coordinate my times. I've gotten back into panting, refurbishing furniture, making candles and over all setting time a side for me. My years of being a constellation prize or someone's regret or second choice is slowly becoming a memory that one day may be forgiven and forgotten. Slowly my brokeness is fading and not becuse I've relied on a man, but because I'm working on relying on me.