I have an addiction

I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking. I'm not hooked on prescription medication and outside of lotto tickets, I'm not addicted to gambling. 

I have what some call codependency. 

Lets review some of the things that make people Codependent here now: Codependency affects people in a variety of ways. Common characteristics of Codependents include:

• Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them.
• Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong.
• Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings.
• Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship.
• Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure.
• Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration 

 Taken from interventiontreatmentrecovery.org

It makes it very difficult to move on and away from toxic people. Many times it can bring about depression, and anxiety. I feel sad when I can't be with the people I care about most. There are times that I can't breath when I can't get hold of someone. Even after a wonderful weekend with a loved one, I can get anxious or extremely sad of the thought of going home. Forget the thought of not talking to, seeing or being in contact with someone one from the past hurts more then the fight or break up. I have always aloud people to walk on me, use me, accepted there rudeness in life. This was all in the fear that I would rather be miserable, then to be with out people who where just not good to have in my life. I still have a problem getting all my feelings out in the open. Scared of rejection, persecution or worst someone walking out of my life again.

With counseling, medication, good friends and family, I've been able to work more independently with out needing someones attention 24/7. I've taken up painting, refurbished furniture, learning how to shag dance and now taking an interest in blogging. I have gotten into the practice of hanging out with other people. Working on spending time with other people, unusually turns out that I enjoy myself very much once my anxiety calms down.

Even though my first instinct is to only be with my boyfriend. That was a past mistake that I had made more then once in my life. Finally learned that no one can make me happy, but me. When I'm in control of my feelings, then I become a more valued person to be around. Not cause they feel the need to help me, but because I'm truly an awesome person to hang out with.

Comic Con and Deadpool and court

THURSDAY/FRIDAY - VISIT MOM, COURT DATE

Weekend was awesome. It started early cause <sigh> I had gotten a traffic ticket around Christmas. They got me doing 70 in a 55. Since then, I have learned that cruse control will help with this silly problem of speeding. LOL Anyhow... court was fast and easy. Then gave me a reduction and sent me on my way. One of the good parts about this is that I had to good to Franklin to court. This is where my mommy lives and of course I love seeing her. After court, we went to the Motor Co. Grill for a very yummy lunch. Then spent the rest of a day visiting and enjoy seeing her. After dinner at mom's I started heading back to my part of the state. I had promised my son that I would take him to the Morganton Comic Con.

SATURDAY - COMIC CON & MOVIES

Off to the Comic Con with my son Christian and boyfriend Michael. I don't really read comics, so I'm not that up to date on the lore. However I do love seeing all the cos players. For some reason just being there give me a feeling of how everyone has come together with like mines and no judgements. That if you feel you can be falcon, then you can go ahead and be falcon. It's truly hard to explain, but it's just awesome seeing everyone having fun and being who ever they want to be. Plus my friend is always there... he is the no other Deadpool of Hickory. Yea, he's kind of a big deal along with Spiderman of Morganton.


What's a better way to finish off the day then finally going to see the movie Deadpool. Which by the way is awesome. Most certainly not for kids. LOL I must have spent the whole movie laughing my ass off. Sometimes at things that maybe I shouldn't have O.o The only thing that I enjoyed more then the movie was sitting with my boyfriend the whole time. There is something that makes everything better have someone with you that you can trust and be your true self with.

SUNDAY IS REST DAY

Sunday was an awesome day a relaxing and getting started on enjoying the up coming spring weather. With it being a perfectly beautiful day my boyfriend decided to fire up the grill and cook some burgers. Of course he did an awesome job and they where so very yummy. After that we spent sometime cleaning out the garage, getting stuff ready for spring gardening and making sure the bike was working. We spent time watching shows, talking about stuff to plan this spring and summer.

After resting and enjoying the day, we met up with his family to have dinner at a very nice Mexican restaurant. Turns out that his niece had won her soccer game and the kids where having a fun time. I love hanging out and being with people and they have gone over the call of duty to make me feel welcomed into there family. I don't think that I could have asked for a better life.

THOUGHTS OF THE WEEKEND

It's funny how one day you can think that everything is never gonna change, Then one day, you finally get brave enough to take matters into your own hand. You decided that now is the time that what you feel and want is important. It's now time to find that someone that follows the same path that you do. The same person that loves and accepts who you are and understands that you are a priority and going out of his way to make sure you know that. This is how I've always wanted my life to be. Full of family friends and events to make memories. I really owe most of my courage to my boyfriend, and family. They push and couxe me in a way to be independent. This is so that my spending time with loved ones isn't out of need, but out of want.

Trust

What is there to say about it that hasn't been said before. It's such a fragile thing and so easy to shred. When built up it can enrich lives and strengthen relationships. When taken away it can destroy a life, and respect that people have. Not just for the person that they lost the trust in, but in just about everyday life. Once it's gone, there could be a life time trying to earn it back.


There have been times that I was not a trust worthy person. I have lied and I have been less then a friend to the people I cared about. Maybe that is why that I had felt that when the person that I trusted most broke my trust in them. Or maybe it was the thought that since I was so untrusted, that I didn't deserve a trusting friend. So my paranoia and suspicions pushed them away, & caused them to break my heart.

I have lost friends, loved ones, people who I thought I had forever. People who could no longer be there because I at that time was not a good friend to them. Love should not be unconditional, and it isn't. Our friends and loved ones are not our puppies, who will forgive us no matter what. We should always know that what we have is fragile and should never be taken for granite. As fast as we can lie to someone, that someone can walk out that door.

Today in my current life, I'm blessed with friends, family, and an awesome boyfriend, who is probably the most honest person that I have ever met. Even when he tells me something that I may not like, I trust that he will always be open with me. This didn't happen right away, but with help and time, I am learning to trust in people again. I have given him my heart and I am trusting that he will take very special care of it.

Do I miss my old friends, and loved ones? Of course I do. My mom said that when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them. Whether it's past relations, lost family, or that best friend from school. You learn to live life with out them, but you will always miss them. I hope that in my future endeavors I've learned from my past. Hope that I can be a better friend, a better daughter, mother, and Aunt to all that I love. Striving one day, that someone will want to call me his wife. With that I of course hope to be a better wife to this person.

They say that perfection in unrealistic. I would like to think that "trying" for it isn't

What to say...

What to say. I'm sure most people are never sure about how to start these things. So, I will talk about my work history.

I gratuated from the Art Institute of Ft. Lauderdale, eith an associate in science in commercial art.

This was so long ago, about 1989. For about 16 years ive work in the field, & i loved it. I moved my family to the mountians to get my sons out of Ft. Lauderdale. I just wanted a cleaner and better life for them.

To my suprise, i did get a job at the paper

just up the mountian. This was great, I loved my job, I loved my mountains, & I was closed to my family. The publisher wanted her own people in there. Slowly one by one, for one reason or anouther I watched my friend leave.  About after three years working with them, it happened, I lost my job About after three years working with them, it happened, I lost my job.

In a small town there are no more art jobs. I tried all the print shops, other papers, even freelance a bit. However I needed to make a living & I needed to take care of my kids. So, I started working retail.

Currently i work in customer service in very nice department store. When I first started, I truly thought I was gonna hate it. I've never been that fond of people. Turns out I'm pretty good at it, & I actually enjoy making people happy. I still miss my life of art, but I will always do what ever job I get to the best of my abilities.